Bowling With No Panties

Let Me Go On Like A Burger In The Sun

2007-03-01T09:03:00.000-08:00

When I'm-a hungry, I strut to Wendy's
and I'm so strung out

I'm high as I kite, I just might
check a frosty out...

Jesus Christ.

I'm now the target market.

They FORGOT Jesus Christ Superstar!

2007-01-13T17:01:00.000-08:00

For Christ's sake!!! The >Onion's AV Club compiled their list of favorite Movie Musicals.

They left out the Jeez!

The 10 Best Christmas Songs Ever

2006-12-13T17:07:00.000-08:00

In no particular order:
1. Do You Hear What I Hear -- Whitney Houston
2. Winter Wonderland -- Tony Bennett
3. Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas -- Frank Sinatra
4. Home For The Holidays -- The Carpenters
5. Another Auld Lang Syne -- Dan Fogelberg
6. Santa Claus Is Coming To Town -- Bruce Springsteen
7. Baby It's Cold Outside -- Dean Martin (he sounds the most lecherous)
8. Must Have Been Santa Claus -- Harry Connick, JR.
9. All I Want For Christmas Is You -- Mariah Carey
10. Little Drummer Boy -- Bing Crosby/David Bowie.

HONORABLE MENTIONS:
Do They Know It's Christmas -- Band Aid (for purely sentimental reasons)
O Holy Night - Mariah Carey (that HIGH NOTE, my God)
Rockin' Around The Christmas Tree -- Peggy Lee.

How Do You Hold A Moonbeam In Your Hand?

2006-11-30T06:08:00.000-08:00

I am not an actress, although I will admit to being in a few community theater productions of musicals -- I love to sing, and that's my main motivation.

Growing up with the squarest parents in the Universe did have some benefits. I never had to tell my Mom to stay out of my stash. I also was exposed to a ton of music from genres other than "popular". I knew tons of doo-wop because of my father's insistence to playing 8-track compliations like "Fonzie's Favorites" in the car. My brother and I can still break into "Charlie Brown" or "Sillouettes on the Shade". We also listened to Simon & Garfunkel, the Beach Boys, Supertramp, Queen and of course, countless "original cast recordings" of various Broadway musicals.

I think my father liked Queen because of the theatrical quality of their music. My Dad is a church organist, choir director, and has even composed many hymns and arrangements for traditional hymns. He has also acted and sang in various community theater productions of musicals. It's weird watching your Lutheran School Principal father shake his belly and snap his fingers singing "If I Were A Rich Man"...but I'll give it to him, he was great.

I cherish my dear friend M. because she gets just as geeked out over musicals as I do and has been known to burst into song with me while watching one or merely walking down the street. She also turned me on to one of the soundtracks in this top 10, a show that would NOT have been played in my childhood home for any number of reasons. Mostly because the words "Fellatio" and "Cunnilingus" are in the lyrics of one of the songs.

Here are the top ten best musicals/soundtracks:

1. Jesus Christ Superstar (there are so many versions - my least favorite is the movie version because Jesus sounds kind of wussy here and there and I like a badass Jesus but the movie Judas ROCKS.)
2. Evita (Original Cast Recording with Patti LuPone)
3. Sound of Music (the movie version)
4. South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut
5. West Side Story (the movie version)
6. Les Miserables
7. Rocky Horror Picture Show (the movie version)
8. Oliver! (the movie version)
9. A Chorus Line (Original cast recording)
10. Fiddler On The Roof (Original cast recording).

HONORABLE MENTION: Godspell - I just wish there was a soundtrack that included the opening number "Tower of Babel" because that is so much fun to sing! I was Thomas Aquinas in our local production before morphing into the slutty "Turn Back O Man" broad. I also have a soft spot for Godspell since both my father AND my brother have played the part of Jesus.

I know I left a lot off, there could be at least 10 more that could tie with any of the above but what finally formed the top ten up there are the overall quality of all the songs and performances AND how good any song from the above sounds in the shower at top volume.

I dare you NOT to belt out "Die if you want to, you innocent puppet!"

Operating With A Blown Mind

2006-11-28T11:50:00.000-08:00

I have an ex-boyfriend. I have a few but he's the MAJOR 'Ex" -- I was with him for 6 or 7 years, neither one of us know because we broke up and got together about 7* times.

One thing that we had in common is an insane passion for music and the culture where it thrives. We were always trying to turn each other on to stuff in the genre where we were most passionate. Me? Rock/alternative. He? Hip hop. There was a small area where we agreed -- but there was a lot of new exposures for both of us. I can still remember the pain on his face when he walked into the house to me singing "Bat Out Of Hell" at the top of my lungs in full MeatLoafian operatic mode.

He had a philosophy when it came to actually purchasing a record. I've been walking around with this philosophy in my head so long I thought I came up with it, but no, it was him.

"Do not buy a record based upon the first single. You need to listen to at least 4 before making a purchase."

This holds true especially in Pop since "album oriented radio" is deader than Lenin. Once upon a time, artists and labels wanted their record to be the best examples of their body of work. That's why you can listen to "Rumors" by Fleetwood Mac and EVERY SINGLE SONG is good. This is also why certain current albums with promising singles end up being coasters or filler for the CD tower. Yes, I'm looking at YOU Scissor Sisters! (I'm sorry, but Ta-DAH isn't as catchy or as listenable as your eponymous debut, which I loved.)

The Ex is also why I had heard of Cee-Lo Green -- back when he was in the Goodie Mob we had their CD in the house. They were a dirty-south group, and he seemed the typical thug but he had a sense of humor. This is why I am so incredibly floored by his voice and his lyrics in Gnarls Barkley.

St. Elsewhere is the first "new" record I've purchased that has really knocked me out in so long I almost have hope for the music business again. Not quite, but almost. I've been hearing the single "Crazy" on the radio forever, but I refused to purchase the record based upon the first single.

Then I stumbled upon the video for "Who Cares?" on YouTube. It's brilliant. I loved the song, but even more the video is taken directly from one of the greatest of 70's Blaxploitation movies EVER -- yes, better than Dolomite!

BLACULA. As you might know from an earlier posting that I probably have more working knowledge of 70's blaxploitation cinema than the average suburban white girl (thanks yet again, to the Ex). I love how Gnarls Barkley gets it so RIGHT and yet sets it in 2006 -- beyond clever. And getting Mario Van Peebles? HOW FUNNY (his father was Sweetback!).

St. Elsewhere is like nothing I've heard but mixes a little bit of everything I've ever liked! There's introspective lyrics, there's funky beats, there's weird ambient noises, there's angelic background vocals, there's a sense of innocent play (despite a song about necrophilia) and I can't believe it's the same guy who rapped about eating fried chicken and collard greens.

I know I'm slow on the uptake and that they dropped the record back in May. I don't claim to be cutting edge or cool...I just claim to be right.

*Actually I won...because I broke up with him 4 times to his dumping me 3 times -- but why be petty?

The Most Depressingly Realistic Song Ever About Love/Marriage

2006-11-16T07:37:00.000-08:00

I was meandering around a large discount chain store that's taking over the Universe the other week and found myself browsing CDs...and I came across this gem:Casey Kasem Presents: America's Top Ten Hits: 1970s The Singer/Songwriters. Right up my alley.

It's got it all: Jim Croce, Lobo, "The Year of the Cat", "Summer Breeze", all the songs that were on the AM radio I'd listen to as a kid, the songs my COOL Uncle would play.

I think this falls under the "uncool total nostalgia" section in my CD collection but that's my FAVORITE section.

This song, by Carly Simon, is one of the highlights, I love it, but GOD is it depressing. They just don't write them like this anymore.

My father sits at night with no lights onHis cigarette glows in the dark.
The living room is still;
I walk by, no remark.

I tiptoe past the master bedroom where
My mother reads her magazines.
I hear her call sweet dreams,
But I forgot how to dream.

But you say it's time we moved in together
And raised a family of our own, you and me -
Well, that's the way I've always heard it should be:
You want to marry me, we'll marry.

My friends from college they're all married now;
They have their houses and their lawns.
They have their silent noons,
Tearful nights, angry dawns.
Their children hate them for the things they're not;
They hate themselves for what they are-
And yet they drink, they laugh,
Close the wound, hide the scar.

But you say it's time we moved in together
And raised a family of our own, you and me -
Well, that's the way I've always heard it should be
You want to marry me, we'll marry.

You say we can keep our love alive
Babe - all I know is what I see -
The couples cling and claw
And drown in love's debris.
You say we'll soar like two birds through the clouds,
But soon you'll cage me on your shelf -
I'll never learn to be just me first
By myself.

Well O.K., it's time we moved in together
And raised a family of our own, you and me -
Well, that's the way I've always heard it should be,
You want to marry me, we'll marry,
We'll marry.

If I Were A Celebrity, This Would Be My Playlist

2006-10-24T11:33:00.000-07:00

I'm something of a Luddite, I suppose. I blame my mother because she was frugal so we never bought the newest, latest thing because -- wisely -- she knew it would come down in price. This is why we were the last people I knew personally who owned a microwave or VCR.

I fully appreciate the handiness and portability of an i-pod. But I don't want one.

Without getting on a soapbox about the moral vs. philosophical ramifications of illegally downloading shared music, I will say that after a few lame attempts at the free downloading sites -- which would send a tsunami of spyware, spam, pop-ups, and other nasty cyber-toadies throughout my home computer, I decided to bite the bait and sign up the MTV version of i-Tunes, URGE.com. Of course, I did this without reading the fine print, so I missed the part about the songs being encrypted so I won't be able to BURN THEM ONTO CD which is the WHOLE POINT since I do not and will not own an mp3 player of any kind.

After I quicky got myself out of that jam (after spending about $10 on songs I will only be able to listen to on my PC, grrrr!) I sucked it up and just joined i-Tunes, years after everybody else has.

Boy, is it fun! I'm having a blast looking up old favorite songs and then deciding whether I want to spend $0.99 on them or not.

I have fun reading the playlists from Celebrities, too -- mostly because I think you can tell a lot about somebody by the music they listen to. Some of them made me roll my eyes, but a few stood out -- like that actor Josh Lucas -- he picked this great song by the Bogmen -- the Bogmen were one of those tragic bands that got signed right before the industry self-destructed and merged to death and they got lost in the shuffle with no budget for promotion. With the proper A&R, they WOULD have been huge, I know it. They were smart, funny, and brilliant musicians. So now I think I could have sex with Josh Lucas.

So, here's the first CD I burned from iTunes, my "playlist" as it were:

1. Tyrone -- Erykah Badu -- I always loved this song, great dumpage: "You better call Tyrone...hold up - but you can't use my phone." -- classic.

2. Love Hangover -- Diana Ross -- what's not to love? Killer bassline

3. Get Me -- Dinosaur Jr. - "Where You Been?" was one of those albums that I played relentlessly when I bought it and hence it reminds me forever of the summer of 1993, my first summer in New York City. J Mascis is a brilliant guitar player and I love his odd creaky voice.

4. Don't Let Go (Love) - En Vogue -- What happened to En Vogue? They were pop but could actually SING. Since much of my romantic life has ben fraught with uncertainty, pain, or general weirdness, this song appealed to me from the moment I heard it...and of course, Mekhi Phifer as the eye candy in this video didn't hurt either. He is hot.

5. White Lines -- Grandmaster Flash --this song reminds me of high school dances and my friend Troy M. I know this whole song by heart. "Twice as sweet as sugar, twice as bitter as salt, and if you get hooked, baby, it ain't nobody else's fault, SO DON'T DO IT!" If only I heeded your words, Grandmaster Flash...oh, the things I could have done differently.

6. Center Stage -- Indigo Girls -- This song is off their eponymous first major label release, and it's one of my favorites...the vocals are phenomenal.
They're just so damn good.

7. I Wanna Take You Higher -- Sly and the Family Stone -- this song just rocks.

8. Possum Kingdom -- The Toadies -- Is this song so sexy because it's creepy or am I creepy for thinking this song is so goddamned sexy?? It was one of those late 90's high rotation alternative rock hits and I love this guys' voice and when he gets to that part, "Do you wanna die?" I almost want to yell YES!!! YES!!!

9. Heart Shaped Box -- Evanescence -- I dig cool covers, they do a great job on this one, it's acoustic.

10. Groove Is In The Heart - Dee-Lite -- A song I will never get sick of.

11. Pressure Drop -- Toots and the Maytals --The Specials and the Clash covered this song, but my favorite cover was by these three dudes, two of them, Chris Campion and Mike Tate used to play every Monday night at the Red Lion on Bleecker Street -- mostly covers, a few originals, both were in different bands. Every now and then Chris' brother Billy would blow in and jump on stage and the three of them would do this song. They rocked. This song reminds me of that era in my life when I knew what I was going to be doing every single Monday night.

12. Heaven On Their Minds -- Tenacious D -- What's better than my favorite musical sung by one of my favorite all time acoustic duos?? IF THEY DID THE WHOLE SHOW.

13. Three Strange Days -- School of Fish -- Another early 90's song I will never be sick of...even though I don't know any other songs this band has ever done.

14. Killing In The Name Of - Rage Against The Machine -- I will love this song when I am in the old folks' home and I will crank it and sing along at the top of my crochety lungs..."FUCK YOU I WON'T DO WHAT YOU TELL ME!!MOTHERFUCKER!" This song is fun to play at my desk at work. Quietly.

15. Blue Monday -- New Order -- Classic

16. Sunny Afternoon -- the Kinks -- One of my favorite Kinks songs from a huge pool of great, great song, I selected a live version from a concert tour in England 2002. Ray Davies' voice sounds exactly the same as it did when he was younger.

17. Golddigger -- Kanye West/Jamie Foxx -- "You see him on the TV, Any given Sunday, Win the Superbowl but drives off in Hyundai"...BRILLIANT lyrics and great delivery.

18. Ruby, Don't Take Your Love to Town -- Kenny Rogers -- A nod to my mom, but also a good song -- very dark in a way. Poor Kenny -- he's a paralyzed Vietnam Vet whose wife goes out to find what he can't do for her, even though he needs some company....he knows what she's getting all painted up for..."And if could move I'd get my gun and put her in the ground...Ruby, for God's sake turn around."

19. Feel Good, Inc -- Gorillaz -- one of the more recent songs that I really like...mostly for that "Windmill, windmill" part. I love Damon's voice.

20. Sadness -- Enigma -- This is why i-Tunes is so great. I always liked this song but I wouldn't want a whole album of it.

That's also why i-Tunes is dangerous. The music industry has to evolve or it will die an ignoble death. Things changed the second all the independent distributors went bust in the mid-90's. Then three majors merged. Everyone chased the big sellers and "Artist Development" became a thing of the past. Once upon a time, the first album wasn't expected to go Platinum. It was there to get the band/singer's feet wet, to introduce them. They weren't expected to get BIG until the second or third album, the goal was to establish longevity. That isn't what seems to matter now.

So while I am having a good time at the ol' i-Tunes store, I am also supporting the artists I care about by physically purchasing a CD. Tegan & Sara, for example. So Jealous is a BRILLIANT album. BUY IT.

If You Love Something, Let It Go...I'm Letting Go of YOU Vintage Bruce Springsteen

2006-10-19T05:37:00.000-07:00

When I was 12 years old I had the world's biggest pubesecent crush on Matt Dillon. I switched allegiance from Shaun Cassidy to Matt after seeing "My Bodyguard" where Matt was the nasty bully. He was so hot, though, and BAD. He might have been my first "bad boy" crush -- compared to Shaun Cassidy, who made me fall in love with him while staring moodily into the ocean after his character's girlfriend died on the Hardy Boys while his version of "If" was playing, one lone tear slowly coursing down his chiseled and clean shaven face.

Like most good "tween" girls of the 70's I was a big fan of TIGER BEAT magazine, and I would beg my mother for every issue that had Matt Dillon in it. One such issue actually had an interview, and Matt was posed the question, "What song would be your wedding song?" and he answered "Born To Run" by Bruce Springsteen.

I had never heard of Bruce Springsteen as I hadn't really found FM radio yet. I was raised in a strict Lutheran home by two serious Squares. My parents were in college in the 60's, but a religious one, and there was no anti-war protesting from them, nor pot smoking, tuning in or turning on. My parents record collection was full of Broadway cast recordings, Kenny Rogers, Simon & Garfunkel, Perry Como, Neil Diamond, Linda Ronstadt after she stopped rockin', classical music, and some Doo-Wop. That and AM radio was what I was pretty much exposed to...Billy Joel, Captain & Tenille -- the Donny & Marie Show. That's how I didn't know who Bruce Springsteen was in the year of our Lord 1980.

I took my babysitting money and went down to Record Broker, the local record store and went looking for the song that would be played at my wedding to Matt Dillon. I brought the album home and played it on my record player -- I didn't have a stereo!

My mind was officially blown. There was a quality in Bruce Springsteen's voice that spoke to me deep inside. There was a part of me that was always yearning for something that I couldn't name. Bruce's words washed over me and fired my imagination. I wasn't a beauty, but eh, I was all right -- there was hope for me that someone would come get me out of my small town and pull me out of there to win. I could see the Rat's dreams gun him down. I understood why Bruce hated Terry and the guy who took her away. I wanted to be the subject of "She's The One". I wanted to let Bruce in to be my friend, so he could guard my dreams and visions.

I played "Born To Run" ad nauseum. I then went out and purchased "Greetings From Asbury Park" and "Darkness On The Edge of Town." "Prove It All Night" is still one of my favorite songs of all time, as is "Spirits In The Night" and "Hard To Be A Saint In The City". Bruce was more than a rock star, he was a poet with a yearning soul and a keen observant eye, seeing deep into the world around him. He was kind of on the edges, he wasn't Mr. Slick. He was skinny with a chicken chest and a scraggly beard and messy hair. Bruce really knew about unrequited love. Bruce knew about feeling held back by a humble birth and had the soul of a rebel. When they said sit down, he threw up.

I loved him more than I ever loved Shaun Cassidy, Donny Osmond OR Matt Dillon COMBINED. Bruce Springsteen is the only "celebrity" I had ever written a "fan" letter to. I never mailed it because I was sure he would think I was a huge dork. I wanted him to know how much he meant to me. I wanted to be him, but a girl. I wanted to run away with him and strap my legs 'cross his engines.

In a larger way, Bruce Springsteen was my "gateway drug" to rock and roll from the musical wasteland of easy listening and show tunes I was raised in. Bruce made me listen to lyrics and divide songs into two categories..."fun" (like The Safety Dance)and REAL (like Into The Mystic by Van Morrison). Bruce's lyrics - plainspoken but also powerful -- inspired me to try to write my feelings and observations down, too. I don't want to say he's the SOLE reason I became a poet, but he's one of my bigger influences. My poetry is pretty straightforward, too.

That Bruce Springsteen has been gone a long time.

I don't want to get into politics because I am a freak of nature. I am a gay-friendly pro-choice Republican. Rush Limbaugh calls people like me "Gutless Wonders", lacking conviction to committ to one party or the other, but that isn't right for me. I dislike extremities. The world is a gray area and there's absolutely nothing wrong with me not wanting to buy the entire belief system of either party. The Democrats do not speak for me. I am neither someone so poor I need government assistance or so rich that I can feel magnaminous by granting my pity and money to those beneath me.

Bruce has gone back and dug up the working class pro-Union protest songs of Woody Guthrie-influenced Pete Seeger. However, Bruce has been a multi-millionaire for 30 years. I believe he means what he says, though. I don't think Bruce would ever fake his feelings in order to write a hit record. I loved "The Rising", the song he released after 9/11, I still can't listen to it without getting a little choked up.

But personally, I sort of stopped loving Bruce in high school. Yes, I had that insanely huge live album set, but by then Bruce had gotten all buffed out and wore tight jeans and shaved and married a model. "Born In The USA" left me cold. It's a brilliant song about a veteran and my high school class voted it "Class Song" without ever really listening to it. Because it is FUCKING DEPRESSING. "Woo hoo, we're like, born in the USA too!" I hated most of my high school classmates.

I also hated this "new" Bruce. The Bruce that danced with Courteney Cox was a dick. That Bruce was a frat boy, but smarter. That Bruce wasn't the Bruce that I fell in love with.

I have still carried my passionate love for young Bruce Springsteen quietly inside me all this time. I thought he really GOT women - "She could laugh and cry in a single sound."

Bruce Au Courant is disenchanted with our government and vociferously supported John Kerry but pretty much would have backed anyone who ran against the current administration -- which is FINE, he is entitled to his opinions and beliefs.

I just miss the Bruce that wanted to go on up to Greasy Lake and make love with Crazy Janey in the dirt. I miss the Bruce that knew that Rosalita's Daddy didn't like him but it didn't keep him away. I miss the Bruce that went down to the River and pulled his Mary close just to feel each breath she'd take.

He's gone. He's angry and political and wants to make a big change in the world. He doesn't have time to meet me in the fields behind the Dynamo.

BACKSTREETS by Bruce Springsteen

One soft infested summer
Me and Terry became friends
Trying in vain to breathe
The fire we born in
Catching rides to the outskirts
Tying faith between our teeth
Sleeping in that old abandoned beach house
Getting wasted in the heat
And hiding on the backstreets
Hiding on the backstreets
With a love so hard and filled with defeat
Running for our lives at night on them backstreets

Slow dancing in the dark
On the beach at Stockton’s Wing
Where desperate lovers park
We sat with the last of the Duke Street Kings
Huddled in our cars
Waiting for the bells that ring
In the deep heart of the night
We let lose of everything
To go running on the backstreets
Running on the backstreets
Terry you swore we’d live forever
Taking it on them backstreets together

Endless juke joints and Valentino drag
Where famous dancers scraped the tears
Up off the street dressed down in rags
Running into the darkness
Some hurt bad some really dying
At night sometimes it seemed
You could hear the whole damn city crying
Blame it on the lies that killed us
Blame it on the truth that ran us down
You can blame it all on me Terry
It don’t matter to me now
When the breakdown hit at midnight
There was nothing left to say
But I hated him
And I hated you when you went away

Laying here in the dark
You’re like an angel on my chest
Just another tramp of hearts
Crying tears of faithlessness
Remember all the movies, Terry
We’d go see
Trying to learn to walk like the heroes
We thought we had to be
Well after all this time
To find we’re just like all the rest
Stranded in the park
And forced to confess
To hiding on the backstreets
Hiding on the backstreets
Where we swore forever friends
On the backstreets until the end
Hiding on the backstreets
Hiding on the backstreets...

I've Bitten My Tongue About This Long Enough

2006-08-30T15:56:00.000-07:00

Fergie says, "Are you ready for this?"

The answer is, "NO! And I NEVER will be."

The Black Eyed Peas used to be a relatively respectable underground hip hop group of the "backpacker" variety. You know, good beats, good flow, thoughtful lyrics.

I don't know whose brilliant idea it was to drag this incontinent transexual plastic surgery victim into the group and Pop it up. Perhaps they wanted more money -- her singing voice isn't all bad.

Fergie is a Monet. From far away she's pretty attractive but get close up and she's a hot mess. As a friend of mine would say, she's good from afar, but far from good. Musically, she sings on key and sometimes actually sounds pretty good, depending on the song. She added a different element to the Black Eyed Peas and I guess the pop consumer spoke and found it good because that record sold like hotcakes. She was on that Kids, Incorporated show, pimped out by her parents. I don't know where they found her or how they dug her up and frankly I don't care enough to check Wikipedia to find out.

SO fine, the Black Eyed Peas in their new formation crossed over and has become a popular mainstream act. Fergie must have added to the appeal.

Yet...

Yet...who the hell told this girl she needed a solo record? She can't rap. I hope to God that she didn't actually write the lyrics for the lyrical abomination that is "London Bridge". I will admit I kind of enjoy the beat, and the video is amusing to watch for it's incongruency.

Here's "The Dutchess" (cute album title considering the whole "Fergie" thing, yeah, Fergie, I get it! You're like that chick, Fergie, who was the Dutchess of York for five minutes before shilling for Weight Watchers! HA HA you're WITTY!) cavorting with two Chollas in -- London. Wouldn't it have been more authentic to dig up some Chavs?

She dry humps a Buckingham Palace guard who ignores her, then she struts around some Country Club in a very short dress after pretending to get gangsta with the paparazzi (which of course she must pretend to do considering how she'd DIE without their attention) then flirts with some butler with a vaguely Jamaican-affected rap before rolling around on a pool table, chin-implant front and center while attempting to "la la la" girlishly before getting back to her badass rap.

"How come every time you come around
my London London Bridge wanna go down like
London London LONDON wanna go down like
London London we wanna go down"

I must be really uncool and un-hep wit the new lingo. What is the London Bridge? Is it her zipper? Is it her panties? Is it the actual act of oral sex? Is it a new dance move? I just don't know. This must be one of those codes that I won't be able to figure out because I'm out of the demographic chronologically.

Nor am I sure I want to.

Which is why I hate the fact that I can't get this catchy-ass idiotic song out of my head. DAMN YOU TO HELL, STACY FERGUSON!!

Mi mi mi mi mi mi miiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii......

2006-08-11T05:07:00.000-07:00

Oh, Mick.

What's next? Keef taking guitar lessons?

I was blasting "Exile On Main Street" in my car the other day and it struck me that I think my abject love for them means I'm kind of old.

Let me explain, I have this uncle. Don't get me wrong, all THREE of my Uncles are wicked cool in their own right. I love them all equally. But they're cool in different ways.

Uncle S (married to my mother's sister) is a badass who is wicked smart and super kind and is one of the best husbands I've ever seen close up. He's gruff but soft inside and I love making fun of him. I blow his mind with my East Coast viciousness and irreverence. I know he digs it. I love him to DEATH.

Uncle P (my Dad's brother) is just a wild character. Uncle P dropped out of mortuary school and became a lifeguard. He is my godfather and my earliest memory of him is this hairy loud guy who swung me up on his shoulders when I was about 2 or 3. He wouldn't put me down even though I beat on his head for about an hour. He scared the crap out of me. He is brutually honest, hysterically funny, and I love the hell out of him.

Uncle W (married to my Dad's sister) is a rock star in my eyes. This guy had a huge blonde fro' in the 70's, wore a top hat to his wedding, and is the sunniest good natured guy you'd ever meet. He was "cool" when all the other adults in my life were squares or bossing me around. Uncle W had the most amazing album collection. He liked the Dead. He loves singer/songwriters, (Harry Chapin is such a favorite he named his CAT Harry Chapin) and he is the one who tried to tell me how awesome the Stones were when I turned my nose up at them in favor of Duran Duran or Van Halen.

The year "Emotional Rescue" came out, I was visiting the family and Uncle W was playing that album nonstop. He told me then, "This is ok, but it's nowhere near as good at Sticky Fingers." I rolled my eyes and that adorable adolescent way and thought, "WHATEVER!" or whatever it was we said back in the 80's to denote dismissal and condescension.

Back to the now = I was singing along with "Loving Cup" (track 9 on Exile on Main Street) at the top of my lungs and it hit me that these guys really knew what the hell they were talking about. They know the pain of love, the pain of yearning to get naked with someone and not feeling like they were quite in the object of their desire's league but being ballsy enough to try it anyway, using their lowliness as a selling point.

I wouldn't understand any of this back at the age of 14 or however old I was when Uncle W was about my age NOW. I hadn't lived. I hadn't burned for someone. I hadn't felt my lowliness in the presence of someone I had put on a pedestal. I hadn't lost someone I knew out in the bars after near misses and acute connection (Let It Loose), I hadn't missed someone and thought of them on a long road trip (Moonlight Mile). I hadn't had a near death experience yet (Sister Morphine), I hadn't lifted my subjective head to see the chaos in the world around me (Gimme Shelter). I don't think I could have appreciated what I appreciate now without maturity. Therefore, I am old. Don't get me wrong, I can still sing "Hungry Like The Wolf" with glee, including the sexy girly noises in all the right places, but it doesn't MOVE ME like a Stones song.

Mick's voice -- for all it's technical shortcomings -- had one thing back then that couldn't be taught. He had the rawness of the real. He had passion and pain comingled with cockiness. He was sadder but wiser and didn't take it all that seriously. All of this conveyed just in the way he sang "Ohhhhh" or how he sang "Yeahhhhh".

I would love the shoot the beans with him til' dawn. (If I had a time machine, that is.)

LOVING CUP
(M. Jagger/K. Richards)

I'm the man on the mountain, come on up.
I'm the plowman in the valley with a face full of mud.
Yes, I'm fumbling and I know my car don't start.
Yes, I'm stumbling and I know I play a bad guitar.

Give me little drink from your loving cup.
Just one drink and I'll fall down drunk.

I'm the man who walks the hillside in the sweet summer sun.
I'm the man that brings you roses when you ain't got none.
Well I can run and jump and fish, but I won't fight
You if you want to push and pull with me all night.

Give me little drink from you loving cup.
Just one drink and I'll fall down drunk.

I feel so humble with you tonight,
Just sitting in front of the fire.
See your face dancing in the flame,
Feel your mouth kissing me again,
What a beautiful buzz, what a beautiful buzz,
What a beautiful buzz, what a beautiful buzz.
Oh, what a beautiful buzz, what a beautiful buzz.

Yes, I am nitty gritty and my shirt's all torn,
But I would love to spill the beans with you till dawn.

Give me little drink from your loving cup.
Just one drink and I'll fall down drunk.

Women Rule -- Part Deux

2006-07-25T07:55:00.000-07:00

Speaking of abysmal pop stars I forgot to mention the Spice Girls. Perhaps it's because they've settled into the obscurity they deserve, but according to Carol Sarler, girls and women are still suffering from both their heinous music and the image they foisted upon us.

However, Maulleigh reminded me that there still are women out there writing great music and playing instruments. Sure, they might not be in the current airplay rotation, but they're out there.

It reminded me of my favorite Fiona Apple song, from her first album which is pure brilliance:

Never Is A Promise

You'll never see the courage I know
Its colors' richness won't appear within your view
I'll never glow the way that you glow
Your presence dominates the judgements made on you

But as the scenery grows I see in different lights
The shades and shadows undulate in my perception
My feelings swell and stretch I see from greater heights
I understand what I am still to proud to mention, to you

You'll say you understand
But you don't understand
You'll say you'll never give up seeing eye to eye
But never is a promise and you can't afford to lie

You'll never touch these things that I hold
The skin of my emotions lies beneath my own
You'll never feel the heat of this soul
My fever burns me deeper than I've ever shown to you

You'll say "don't fear your dreams"
It's easier than it seems
You'll say you'd never let me fall from hopes so high
But never is a promise and you can't afford to lie

You'll never live this life that I live
I'll never live the life that wakes me in the night
You'll never hear the message I give
You'll say it looks as though I might give up this fight

But as the scenery grows I see in different lights
The shades and shadows undulate in my perception
My feelings swell and stretch I see from greater heights
I realize what I am now too smart to mention, to you

You'll say you understand
You'll never understand
I'll say I'll never wake up knowing how or why
I don't know what to believe in
You don't know who I am
You'll say I need appeasing when I start to cry
But never is a promise and I'll never need a lie

I do consider myself a feminist -- because all that means to me is that we have equal value in this world as men do -- despite what our culture constantly tells us. Women are more than their fuckability, their ability to make and raise babies, or keep their house clean.

This blog isn't about women's rights or feminism, though. It's about my opinions of the quality of music out there. Unfortunately, there is sometimes a juxtoposition I cannot ignore.

The music that great and talented women make is often ignored or looked over in favor for sub-par music put out (mostly written by men) by these manufactured sex-dolls. Plenty of talented male musicians are looked over for pure crap, too, but for the females it seems to have reached some sort of heinous critical mass.

This is what I will listen to:

PJ Harvey
Ani DiFranco
Aimee Mann
Lucinda Williams
Allison Krauss & Union Station
Fiona Apple
Joan Osborne (her album of covers is awesome)
Joni Mitchell
Rickie Lee Jones
Cesaria Evora
Susanna Hoffs & Matthew Sweet's awesome "Under The Covers Vol. 1"

and the usual rotation of Motown, Rolling Stones, Tom Waits, old Van Halen, and Neil Young.

I'm willing to listen to any decent suggestions, too, as I'm banning radio.

Women Rule --- Where It Doesn't Matter

2006-07-17T13:07:00.000-07:00

I stumbled on this article in Slate magazine earlier today about women crowding the top of the "Top 40" charts. It starts with...

"..."Stars Are Blind" is a sweet, sun-kissed love song with a snappy ska beat, and Hilton (with the aid, undoubtedly, of the Anteres Auto-Tune 4 Pitch Correcting Plug-In) puts it over well, cooing lyrics about her "heart and soul" in a reasonable impersonation of a human being with feelings. All in all, it's a surprisingly good start to Hilton's campaign to break into the pop diva game."

It goes on to name the usual suspects, women more known and admired for their looks than their talent, their personal lives more than their musicianship.

The author amuses me with this little snippet:

And for good reason. These days, the emotional range of a male performer is radically circumscribed: Rappers are slick trash-talkers and brutes, emo rockers are sensitive and aggrieved, R&B singers are lotharios. But pop's female superstars recognize no limits, playing all these roles and a dozen others, often in the course of a single torrid love song, all the while executing tricky dance steps with bared midriffs glistening beneath whirling strobe lights. (Now that's showbiz.)

Granted, he IS speaking of Top 40 Pop, which is chum at best, but it seems sick and wrong to me that no attention is given to women who are true musicians and songwriters and NOT some kind of prefab midrif baring dancehall boogie queen singing through a synthesizer. Sure, it sells because little girls want to BE THEM and middle aged men want to FUCK THEM, but JESUS GOD ALMIGHTY how is it that exposure to music has become narrower and narrower as far as what is being cranked out when the world is getting bigger and bigger?

As a young girl growing up in the 80's suburbs, I listened to a "classic rock" station until the frabjous day that MTV made it's groovy debut. Even then, I had to get my fix at a friend's house since my Mom was too frugal to get cable.

When I was a wee lassie listening to Led Zeppelin and Rush, there were few women I could turn to as a rock'n'roll-model. There were the Wilson sisters of Heart. Pat Benatar. Joan Jett. Chrissie Hynde. These were women who wrote music and played instruments. Their looks were secondary. They didn't dance, unless you count kind of kicking to the side and swaying the hips a little before a head-thrash as dancing.

MTV however, changed everything. Instead of looking at album covers and the occasional picture in Hit Parader, we got to see our favorite artists live and in crappy four minute movies acting our their songs (or not). Suddenly I had a crop of broads in music that I aspired to be like -- Annabella from Bow Wow Wow, Siouxsie Sioux, Kate Bush -- these chicks were freaky-beautiful but really let it rip.

If I could put my finger on one tiny spot that begat the slow exchange of intelligent musically talented women for "pop-tarts", I would have to say it was Bananarama.

That's right.

Bananarama.

They were cute, all sang in unison, wore half shirts and scrunchies and were very popular despite being musically boring because THEY WERE HOT.

Now look where we are. Women rule the top of the charts but not with talent. They rule with their barely covered bodies and semi-pornographic faces they make while they sing. Women can claim that they are finally out doing men at something, but it's a Pyrric victory -- because we're the best at singing stupid songs made for hormonally flooded teen girls who scream over the likes of Jesse McCartney. We're the best at being eye candy for middle aged men. We rule at bragging about how hot we are in bed set to a hip hop beat. We rule at rolling around in the sand while lipsynching.

Where are the girls like Joni MItchell? Laura Nyro? Carole King? Janis Ian? JANIS JOPLIN, even?

If these women were attempting to break into music today, they'd have a hard time getting a deal unless they went indie. FUCKIN' BANANARAMA!!!!

(I will admit that I like Gwen Stefani although I was less than bowled over with her solo offerings. I also admit I like Christina Aguilera especially since she quit with the Dee Snyder getups.)

Disgusted With The Wayans Brothers

2006-07-06T06:14:00.000-07:00

I must not be the target demographic for this new cinematic abortion titled "Little Man" spewed forth from the Wayans' Brothers. The reason why is that I am old enough to remember the FIRST TIME I saw this movie, when it was a FRIGGIN' BUGS BUNNY CARTOON!!

How could I ever forget Baby Face Finster? The clips I've seen on the trailer all include classic bits from that brilliant cartoon.

Cute baby in a bonnet in a basket at the doorstep? Check.
"Peekaboo" to the frying pan in the face?Check.
Seeing said baby standing on a stool and smoking a cigar while shaving?? CHECK CHECK CHECK.

Don't get me wrong -- "Don't Be A Menace In South Central While Drinkin' Your Juice In The Hood" was brilliant. It was a spoof of all those dramatic "boyz n da hood" movies hollywood was cranking out so that Whitey could see how the hip hop nation "really lived" (which cracks me up because all the black kids I knew growing up lived in raised ranches in the 'burbs and never even saw a gun). Such OBVIOUS exploitation needed exploiting and the Wayans did that with tongue firmly in cheek. Who can forget Keenan screaming, "MESSAGE!!" just in case y'all missed it?

Speaking of Keenan, "I'm Gonna Git You Sucka" is another brilliant comedic work. So smart and funny!

So WHY on GOD'S GREEN EARTH are they attempting to turn a 9 minute cartoon into a two hour movie? Have they run out of good ideas? Did they get a little potted one night, saw it and said, 'Yyyeeeahh, man, that would be, like, FUNNY!"

Can't these filmmakers LEAVE THE CLASSICS ALONE!!! They are classics for a REASON. They were funny in particular because of the place and time in which they were created, and they are classic because at the same time, they are timeless and universally funny. HOWEVER, updating things like:

The Pink Panther
The Dukes of Hazard
Bewitched
Cheaper By The Dozen
The Omen
Starsky & Hutch

IS NEVER A GOOD IDEA! NEVER! Sure, some of the YOUNGER GENERATION who had only heard of the originals or seen them because of older relatives might check it out, or even the dumbasses of Generation X in a mistaken wave of nostalgia, but PEOPLE, THIS HAS GOT TO STOP!!!

I refuse to see these movies, the trailers themselves leave me colder than a penguin's balls. Damien coming down the hall on a RAZOR SCOOTER!?! Jessica Simpson, a STUPID BLONDE as Daisy Duke? Catherine Bach may have had a southern accent, but anyone who watched that show with ferocious regularity like I did KNEW that DAISY was the brains of the whole operation. I don't even have to comment on the Pink Panther because those movies were fabulous because of the TIME they were made. Updating the Pink Panther to NOW? Throwing in BEYONCE? Give me a humongous BREAK.

I know it's not about a lack of talent out there. There are people writing original movies that are fantastic -- Transamerica, being one of them. There are also people writing adaptations of good books, which at least is a movie based upon something original and not a pathetic retread of an old semi-cheesy TV series, a fantastic movie that did not NEED an update, or a Bugs Bunny cartoon.

Bugs Bunny taught me everything I know about comedy AND classical music/jazz at the same time. I learned that if you want someone to get blown up, you throw him in the stove and then tell the cop that if your friend Rocky was in the stove, would you turn on the gas...like THIS? I learned that the forest might be dug up around you and replaced with high rises, your rabbit-hole planted in a large planter, but that if you want to take over the townhouse, all you have to do is be relentlessly annoying. I learned that science experiments were best tested on OTHERS than yourself, and that playing the piano like Liberace could halt a crazed Mr. Hyde in his tracks long enough for you to brain him.

Please, Wayans' Brothers, I implore you. Stick to smart subtle social commentary through your original films. Leave Bugs alone. The inevitible comparision will kneecap you, or at least bash you over the head with a frying pan.

I Love This Song

2006-06-21T08:36:00.000-07:00

Amos Lee is a groovy acoustic dude from Philadelphia. His album is mellow and great for a summer night. This song's lyrics match the plucky tune it's sung to, and I swear I think it's the theme song of my sprit.

Oh, don't be fooled by my meanness, bitchiness and overall snotty writing. I am actually quite the dewy-eyed optimist. I have to expunge all the blackness on paper in order to bop along.

BOTTOM OF THE BARRELL

I keep on laughing to keep from crying
I keep on dreaming to keep from dying
I keep on trying
Ain’t gonna stop
Get right down to the bottom of the barrel
And then you float back on top

We all know someone who’s always hurtin’
The sun is shining they draw the curtain
One thing for certain
The pain ain’t gonna stop

You get right down to the bottom of the barrel
And then you float back on top

You know the grass is always s greener in someone else’s yard
And the world is so much meaner when your heart is hard

I go out walking in any season
It could be rainin’ it could be freezin’
I don’t need no reason
It’s just so pleasing I can’t stop

You get right down to the bottom of the barrel
And then you float back on top
You get right down to the bottom of the barrel
And then you float back on top

How about a little SCHADENFREUDE FRIDAY!?!?

2006-06-16T13:32:00.000-07:00

Welcome to another edition of Schadenfreude Friday - the day where EVERYBODY LOSES and nobody's happier about it than we are!!!!

Once again, I will step out of the realm of music to use my IMAGINATION to think of sick evil ironic things about pop culture's media DAHHHHHHHHHLINGS!

WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT IF:

Brandon Davis (he of the rich family, greasy lips, oily hair, filthy mouth, and shitty friends) went into rehab, got sober, found GOD, stayed out of the media and then after seeing a video of some other rich dude that replaced him in the Paris Hilton posse making fun of HIM and calling him "TEETOTALER" and "SOBER PANTS" and "BORING BLOWHARD" he goes on a bender drinking MD141 until his liver explodes??

We found out Penelope Cruz dumped Matthew McConughey because he's a burnt out naked bongo playing BORE who hasn't been in a decent movie in at least four years...oh wait, that's not ironic at all.

Stavros Greekheirwhatshisnameidopoupopoulis ditched both Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan for CLAY AIKEN?!?!?!?!?!

Madonna finds out that Kabballah is just some ruse created by an entire clan of con artist Jewish gypsies to get filthy rich celebrities to drink their $10 tap water in a bottle and wear a piece of red embroidery floss around their wrists? And that once a week they sit around a conference room table stroking their long long beards and brainstorming new ridiculous things they can make Madonna do and giggling like schoolgirls about the best ideas? Like wear all white? Or change your name to something old fashioned? I bet she'd rethink dumping a real quality friend like Britney Spears THEN!!! WOULDN'T YOU, MADONNA LOUISE!?!?! (P.S. I don't know why but your high cut body suits with the long sleeves really creep me out.)

Alec Baldwin started inexplicably choking and coughing? And his face turned all red from effort? And his eyes got bugged out and started to cross and he doubled over? And suddenly, like some enormous swampy hideous hairball, he coughed something the size of the Chrysler Building out?? THAT WOULD BE HIS EGO.

Nicole Richie records an album and it's actually AWESOME??

Keith Urban finds out that behind Nicole Kidman's forehead is a little dashboard and two bucket seats containing TWO ESCAPED LABRATORY MICE bent on TAKING OVER THE WORLD!?!?!?????

Oprah Doesn't Hate Hip Hop.

2006-06-15T07:40:00.000-07:00

Did you hear about how Ludacris and Ice Cube were all bent out of shape because they said that Oprah dissed them? Ludacris said that she edited out all the intelligent things he said on her show. Ice Cube was the only cast member from the cast of Barbershop that she didn't invite when they were on the show. Fifty Cent was saying how he's glad she doesn't like him or hip hop because the hip hop nation is not her audience anyway.

Well, Oprah can't let that stand. Oprah has to let EVERYBODY KNOW that she is a SPIRITUAL GIANT and of COURSE doesn't HATE HIP HOP.

Oprah said:
"I don't have an opinion, because I am my own person," Oprah said on the birthday party's red carpet. "I respect other people's rights to do whatever they want to do in music and art and whatever. So I am my own person, they are their own people. I respect their rights.

"I am a woman who has worked very hard for my status in the world and as a human being," she added. "I don't want to be marginalized by music or any form of art. ... I feel rap is a form of expression, as is jazz. I'm not opposed to rap. I'm opposed to being marginalized as a woman."

Is she talking about hip hop marginalizing women in general? OR is she talking about HERSELF being MARGINALIZED as a woman BY hip hop lyrics?

I heard back in the day Oprah could spit fire in a cipher. I unearthed this transcription of one such freestyle:

Uh uh uh uh
Yo, my name is Oprah call me Grand Master Ope
All my moves and lyrical flow is dope
when I'm in a prison shower I don't drop tha soap
I'll tie a noose at the end of yo mothafuckin rope
and Hang ya cuz I'd never wanna Bang ya
My man is Steadman, I don't give him Head, man
he be givin it to me, when we all alone
when I got on my ermine and be sittin on my throne
cuz I am the Queen of Daytime T. V.
tons of fat white ladies be worshipin on me
yeah, they be tellin their husbands "I won't kiss ya ass no mo
Cuz I need to Live My Best LifeTM, Oprah tole me SO"
Inspiring the whole world saying YOU GO GIRL
I build African schools, I don't tolerate no fools
Hermes tell me I can't shop aftah hours cuz I'm black
I called them bitches OUT give them Frogs some flak
Don't they know who I am? I'm the Fiercest M.C.
French scarf bitches, they should give shit to me FREE
Don't I got the prettiest clothes and hair?
I got seven stylists bitch, you just can't compare
I drag your ass on my show and make you cry on the air
I'll hand you a tissue make you think that I care
Then I use the same tissue when I'm home a-masturbatin'
sitting on my money and reading bout my ratin's
Here are some things I think are just GREAT-ah
a five hundred thousand dollar chedda cheese grate-ah
a six thousand dollar pair of bedroom slippers
seven billion dollar uranium fingernail clippers UNH
I win awards, got big mansions, got my own magazine
Producin' plays, blow up books, hit the red carpet scene
got my friends got my dogs, got my own limousine
and when you bitches piss me off I got my own guillotine
yeah, I got more power than Jesus I'm the daughter of God
everybody pay too much attention to the size of my bod
I'm just distracting everybody with my big behind
cuz I'm buying up the world and soon your ass will be mine
WHAT!?!!?!?!?!?

The Most Surreal Day Of My Life.

2006-06-07T09:06:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time in the year 2001, I was living with a man who was a writer/on-air personality for a popular metropolitan radio station.

In preparation for interviewing the blaxploitation film, comedy, and kung-fu legend Rudy Ray Moore -- most widely known as the star of the film Dolomite -- said boyfriend brought home a Rudy Ray Moore BOX SET.

Let me say that after five - seven hours of the life's work of one Rudy Ray Moore I was going completely mental. I had lost all touch with modern reality and was dwelling in a world where women wore bikinis all the time, all disputes were solved with threats and then kung fu fighting, and everyone's hair had a two foot circumfrance.

In this box set were his most famous films, Dolomite, The Human Tornado, Disco Godfather, and Petey Wheatstraw, the Devil's Son In Law not to mention a live DVD of his stand-up routine and, um, singing.

Yes!! Rudy Ray Moore has released such gems as

The Rudy Ray Moore Christmas album

I don't even need to comment here.

Hully Gully Fever -- dig that ca-razy turban.

This day was surreal because the majority of the dialogue in Dolomite is Rudy Ray Moore speaking in rhymes to threaten whoever's ass he was about to kick.

Petey Wheatstraw, the Devil's Son In Law is the one that sticks out in my mind the most. Petey makes a deal with the devil, for what, I don't remember, and his end of it is that he's got to marry the daughter of Satan. I know some asskicking ensued. I also know that there was a huge driveby shooting outside of a church at another wedding and dead bodies just piled up on the stairs. The best was the end, when Petey lifts the veil of his bride, we don't actually see her face, but PETEY'S FACE is one of utter horror and terror -- and that's where it ended.

I don't even remember what Disco Godfather was about because by then my head was spinning with all the jive talk, afro kung fu, scantily clad karate whores, and crazy disco pimp-wear.

The main thing I remember from Dolomite is the Hamburger Pimp. He's so bad he kicks his own ass twice a day. HE wasn't scared of Dolomite. He also served Hoe-cakes. Why? Cuz Hoes gotta eat too.

What started me on this whole mental trip down wacked-out memory lane? I stumbled onto THIS(and yes, this is how my mind works. I see the below and I immediately think "cuz hoes gotta eat too."):

Hoe-Cakes

2 cups corn meal
1 teaspoon salt
2 cups boiling water
oil for frying

Put the tea kettle on to boil. In a large bowl combine the corn meal and salt. When the water boils, measure it in a metal or tempered-glass measuring cup. Pour the boiling water over the cornmeal and stir it up. The cornmeal will swell up, absorbing the water, and making a very thick mash.

Heat some oil in a large skillet over medium high heat. You can use as little as two tablespoon of oil per panful, but it is a little easier to use 4 or 5 tablespoons of oil for each panful. Use your waistline and frying skill as the final judge. Now scoop up a little of the cornmeal mush (about 1/4-cup) and shape it into a patty. It will still be warm from the boiling water, so be careful not to burn yourself. You can let it cool down some more first if you like. Plop the patty into the hot fat, and get it to frying. Make some more, until you have a whole pan full. I usually cook about 4 or 5 at a time. When the underside is crispy brown, turn them and cook the other side. When both sides are crispy and brown, transfer them to a plate to keep warm, and start another batch. This recipe makes about 12 hoe cakes.

Originally, Native Americans cooked these on hot rocks in an open fire. They were commonly referred to as Ash Cakes. Later on, settlers from Europe adopted the recipe, cooking the cakes on the blades of their hoes in the fireplace. This is where they get the name, "Hoe Cakes". Of all the recipes in my collection, this one is the oldest, the cheapest, and just about the tastiest of all. Serve Hoe Cakes with as a bread, or by themselves for breakfast with maple syrup or molasses. They also make a nice accompaniment to main meals, especially when fried in margarine. In the summertime, when you want a hot bread, but don't want to heat up the oven, this is the best choice. They cook right on top of the stove, without heating up the entire house. Good for camping and back packing too.

Another Fine Musician Joined The Choir Invisible

2006-06-06T13:32:00.000-07:00

Singer-songwriter Billy Preston dies at 59

By BOB CHRISTIE, Associated Press Writer 9 minutes ago

Billy Preston, the exuberant keyboardist who landed dream gigs with the Beatles and the Rolling Stones and enjoyed his own series of hit singles including "Outta Space" and "Nothing From Nothing," died Tuesday at 59.

Preston's longtime manager, Joyce Moore, said Preston had been in a coma since November in a care facility and was taken to a Scottsdale hospital Saturday after his condition deteriorated.

"He had a very, very beautiful last few hours and a really beautiful passing," Moore said by telephone from Germany.

Preston had battled chronic kidney failure, and he received a kidney transplant in 2002. But the kidney failed and he has been on dialysis ever since, Moore said earlier this year.

Known for his big smile and towering Afro, Preston was a teen prodigy on the piano and organ, and lent his gospel-tinged touch to classics such as the Beatles' "Get Back" and the Stones' "Can't You Hear Me Knocking?"

He broke out as a solo artist in the 1970s, winning a best instrumental Grammy in 1973 for "Outta Space," and scoring other hits with "Will It Go 'Round In Circles," "Nothing From Nothing" and "With You I'm Born Again," a duet with Syreeta Wright. He also wrote Joe Cocker's weeper "You Are So Beautiful."

Other career highlights included being a musical guest, in 1975, on the debut of "Saturday Night Live"; having a song named after him, by Miles Davis; and appearing last year on "American Idol." Among his film credits: "Blues Brothers 2000" and "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band."

His partnership with the Beatles began in early 1969 when friend George Harrison recruited him to play on "Let It Be," a back-to-basics film and record project that nearly broke down because of feuding among band members. Harrison himself quit at one point, walking out on camera after arguing with Paul McCartney.

Preston not only inspired the Beatles to get along — Harrison likened his effect to a feuding family staying on its best behavior in front of a guest — but contributed a light, bluesy solo to "Get Back," performing the song with the band on its legendary "roof top" concert, the last time the Beatles played live. He was one of many sometimes labeled "The Fifth Beatle," a title he did not discourage.

Preston remained close to Harrison and performed at Harrison's all-star charity event "The Concert for Bangladesh," and at the "Concert for George," a tribute to Harrison, who died of cancer in 2001. He played on solo records by Harrison, Ringo Starr and John Lennon.

Preston also toured and recorded extensively with the Rolling Stones, playing on such classic albums as "Sticky Fingers" and "Exile on Main Street." In the mid-'70s, he parted from the Stones, reportedly unhappy over not getting proper credit for "Melody" and other songs, but reunited with the band in 1997 on its "Bridges to Babylon" record.

His sessions credits included Aretha Franklin's "Young, Gifted and Black," Bob Dylan's "Blood on the Tracks" and Sly and Family Stone's "There's a Riot Goin' On," three of the most acclaimed albums of the past 35 years.

"His legacy is so huge I don't even know where to start," Moore said. "It's many genres, so many years. ... It's rock 'n' roll, it's soul, it's funk, it's everything. He was truly, truly, truly a genius."

A Houston native who soon moved to Los Angeles when his parents split up, Preston was in and around show business for much of his life. He was taking piano lessons at age 3 and was just 10 when he played keyboards for gospel singer Mahalia Jackson.

Two years later he portrayed a young W. C. Handy in the 1958 biopic "St. Louis Blues." He toured with mentors and fellow piano greats Ray Charles and Little Richard in the early 1960s, first encountering the Beatles while on the road in Germany.

Exposed to drugs and alcohol early on, Preston had numerous personal troubles in recent years. In 1992, he was given a suspended jail sentence, but ordered incarcerated for nine months at a drug rehabilitation center for his no-contest pleas to cocaine and assault charges. Five years later, he was sentenced to three years in prison for violating probation. In 1998, he pleaded guilty to insurance fraud and agreed to testify against other defendants in an alleged scam that netted about $1 million.

"It (jail) was a great lesson, an awakening. I needed to reflect, to get rid of some of the dead weight around me," he later said. "You take the bitter with the sweet and I have to say it was my faith that kept me going. I had nothing else to fall back on."

It's Schadenfreude Friday Here at BWNP!!!!!!!

2006-06-02T06:26:00.001-07:00

Welcome to SCHADENFREUDE FRIDAY the day that EVERYBODY LOSES and nobody's happier about it than we are! Let us rub our palms briskly together and twirl our moustaches and chortle with evil glee!

Today I am going to use my IMAGINATION and move out of the realm of music and think of sick evil ironic things about pop culture's media darlings of today.

WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT IF....

Katie Holmes took Suri and ran and then wrote a huge tell-all talking about Tom Crusie's unnatural love for fish no matter how much he tried to E-Meter it out of his soul? ("Gay? I wish! If I were gay there'd be no problem!")

The teenage Shiloh Jolie-Pitt was a huge racist and joined a white supremacy group or even WORSE was like, ugly?

Nick Lachey becomes a multi-grammy winning success, has beautiful women throwing themselves at him while Jessica Simpson -- bombed actress, her records all bricks -- sits home alone in sweatpants eating New York Super Fudge Chunk and cries while watching reruns of the Newlyweds?

Pete Doherty died...and it didn't make him a mythical figure of rock -- just another stupid dead junkie?

Wilbur Valderama sees his fondest wish come to fruition -- a remake of CHiPs with him in the starring role of PONCH -- and he's forever typecast as a short dumb Latin weenie no matter how many hot young chicks he bangs?

Lindsay Lohan, after such promise as an actress, ends up in Lifetime movies like, "Mother, May I Marry This Abusive Womanizing Douchebag Who Will Try To Kill Me?"

Jennifer Aniston's "movie career" totally bombs AND she doesn't have any babies which means she sacrificed a family with Brad and Brad himself for NOTHING?? AND she has to watch him galvanting around the world with his huge patchwork quilt family of children from all kind of cultures while she does a hair care line for QVC?

Ashlee Simpson fixed her nose, went back to blonde, and will probably get a boob job, and she still manages to be less hot, talented, or as successful as her vaccuous sister causing her to get all "Whatever Happened to Baby Jane" on Jessica and joining her in sweats on the couch. Jessica will say, "If only I wasn't such a huge bimbo banking on my youth and beauty for fame! IF only I had stayed married to the only guy who would put up with my whiny bratty ways! If I only I wasn't so stupid." and Ashlee will stand up and shriek, "BUT YOU AHHHHH, JessicaYOU AAAAHHHHH STUUUUUUUPPPPIIIIDDD!" and Jessica will slap her with her ice cream spoon?

Plum Sykes was struck with instant and permanent writer's block AND her colorist moves to Nepal?

Katie Couric has the lowest ratings because nobody believes a word she says since she's too perky to have any gravitas, and her only fans are the ones sending their pictures into Willard Scott to give them a shout out for being centenarians?

That's all for today folks!! Of course, because only the good die young, God laughs when you make plans, and nice guys finish last, none of the above will actually ever happen, but MAN oh, MANISCHIEWICZ it's sure fun to think about.

On A Motown Bender

2006-05-30T13:57:00.000-07:00

Michael Jackson may be a total freak now, but damn did the Jackson 5 ever put out some really great music way back in the day. Or should I say Berry Gordy? That Motown sound always reminds me of summer, and since it's hot outside I have the jones for some great old music.

My favorite Motown songs:

1. Ain't No Mountain High Enough - Diana Ross
2. I Want You Back -- Jackson 5
3. Reach Out I'll Be There -- The Four Tops
4. You Really Got A Hold On Me -- Smokey Robinson & The Miracles
5. 25 Miles -- Edwin Starr
6. Love Child -- The Supremes
7. Please Mr. Postman -- The Marvelettes
8. What Becomes of The Broken Hearted -- Jimmy Ruffin
9. You Are Everything -- Marvin Gaye & Diana Ross (this version is awesome because of Marvin Gaye)
10. Midnight Train to Georgia -- Gladys Knight and the Pips.

One of the greatest documentaries I have ever seen was
Standing In The Shadows Of Motown. It's all about the session musicians also known as the Funk Brothers who recorded at Hitsville USA and went uncredited on most of the songs I mentioned above and hundreds more. It is touching, funny, fascinating and sad. I loved this movie so much that I actually went and saw the Funk Brothers when they came to Manhattan, but was crushed that it was only two of them and a bunch of younger folks they hired to sing the big Motown hits.

I forgot "Tears Of A Clown" and "I Second That Emotion" -- more great songs from Smokey Robinson and the Miracles. "A taste of honey is worse than none at all". Sho nuff, Smokey.

Confession.

2006-05-24T11:14:00.000-07:00

I have bought some really great music at Starbucks.

HearMusic is Starbucks own record label -- they put out compliations in concert with Rhino, Nonesuch, sometimes World Circuit and God help me, they're awesome.

This is a list of the records I have purchased on impulse over the last year or so while getting coffee:

SUMMER CRUSH: SONGS WE LOVE TO LOVE
The Beach Boys

CAFÉ CUBANA
Various Artists

ELVIS COSTELLO ARTIST’S CHOICE™ CD
Various Artists

JONI MITCHELL ARTIST’S CHOICE™ CD
Various Artists

LUCINDA WILLIAMS ARTIST'S CHOICE™ CD
Various Artists

THE ROLLING STONES ARTIST'S CHOICE™ CD
Various Artists

A MERRY AFFAIR
Various Artists

A CHARLIE BROWN CHRISTMAS
Vince Guaraldi Trio

CIAO AMORE
Various Artists

These are all on pretty high rotation on the CD player here at work with the exception of the Christmas stuff. Almost as much as my Putymayo collection!

I especially love the Artists' Choice CDs -- They comment on each of their song choices and how they were either influenced by that particular artist or how this one song just struck them or whatever. I always find it interesting to hear what the people I REALLY LIKE to listen to likes to listen to. That's another reason why I cruise the iTunes playlists of people.

I've been so SICK of the crap that's been on the radio lately that I've been getting into world music -- especially North African/Arabic Dance music and Cuban stuff. I don't understand what the words are about, and don't give a crap, the voices become yet another instrument and I just groove out on it.

However, when nobody's around, I go off singing along on this one song where it's just some high pitched Turkish chick wailing, it's very cathartic.

I guess since I'm out of the mainstream loop it isn't that heinous to be purchasing music from the local Starbucks -- I fear that this along with all the commercials using NEW WAVE music from my youth to shill for household dusters, etc. that I am in a the 'target demographic' = old as hell.

Alt.Country Kicks Ass, and Lucinda Is the Queen.

2006-05-23T06:21:00.000-07:00

"I loved Loretta Lynn and Hank Williams, but also Bob Dylan and the Doors and Jimi Hendrix," she says. "I don't see anything wrong with loving all kinds of music."

Lucinda Williams is one of my favorite female artists of all time. I was turned on to her by my bandmate. When he was first talking about her, I thought he was talking about Victoria Williams and I said, "The chick with the funky voice?"

He said, "Yeah." They BOTH have funky voices, but in different ways.

Lucinda said of her own voice (which is growly and thick with her accent and sort of limited in range note-wise but in my opinion raw, real, honest and full of longing, sex, and all the pain in the world): I’ve always thought of myself as a songwriter first, and I’ve always seen my voice as more of a vehicle to get my songs across. Looking back on it, I felt limited as a singer from the get-go, because I grew up listening to singers more in the folk realm, like Judy Collins, Joan Baez, and Joni Mitchell—all these singers who had amazing ranges and could just sing all over the place. I would try to do it and I couldn’t and I’d just get all frustrated. So I decided early on that I better become a really good songwriter, then I could be like Bob Dylan and nobody would care if I could sing that well because my songs would be really good.

They are. Her studio albums --which she is notoriously perfectionistic about -- are great. The album that's setting me on fire right now is Live @ The Fillmore. I have seen her live and she is a dynamic performer with a kick-ass backing band. This album has a lot of songs that were on her last two releases, Essence and World Without Tears and few older songs. What's great is that when she's live she puts so much more of herself into the songs and it really comes across.

It's her songs that I love the most. Her Southern Gothic sensibilities coupled with her economy of language go perfectly with the melodic moods she creates.

One of my favorite tracks on Live @ The Fillmore is "Pineola" -- it's a bouncy tune despite the depressing lyrics. It haunts me and I find myself singing it all the time.

When Daddy told me what happened
I couldn't believe what he just said
Sonny shot himself with a 44
And they found him lyin' on his bed

I could not speak a single word
No tears streamed down my face
I just sat there on the living room couch
Starin' off into space

Mama and Daddy went over to the house
To see what had to be done
They took the sheets off of the bed
And they went to call someone

Some of us gathered at a friend's house
To help each other ease the pain
I just sat alone in a corner chair
I couldn't say much of anything

We drove on out to the country
His friends all stood around
Subiaco Cemetery
Is where we lay him down

I saw his mama, she was standin' there
His sister, she was there too
I saw them look at us standin' around the grave
And not a soul they knew

Born and raised in Pineola
His mama believed in the Pentecost
She got the preacher to say some words
So his soul wouldn't be lost

Some of us, we stood in silence
Some bowed their heads and prayed
I think I must've picked up a handful of dust
And let it fall over his grave

I think I must've picked up a handful of dust
And let it fall over his grave

One of My FAVORITE Songs

2006-05-16T10:05:00.000-07:00

A million years ago, I had a cassette called "The Very Best of Lou Reed." I rewound the song "Rock N Roll" so many times, that's where the tape finally broke. It came on right after Sweet Jane, another of my favorite Lou Reed/Velvet Underground songs -- especially the version with that "Heavenly wine and roses..." bridge which sadly, was not the version on the cassette.

Rock N Roll has one of the COOLEST rhythm guitar rhythms EVER. Throw in that mournful lead in the intro which later in the song explodes into that awesome VU Cacaphony that I love so much along with the completely flat background vocals "Yeah, it was all right" that I also love.

I love when Lou hits the high notes for "FINE FINE music". Everytime I hear this song I feel like dancing no matter where I am or how often I've heard it.

Jenny said, when she was just five years old
you know there's nothin' happening at all
Every time she put on the radio
there was nothin' goin' down at all
not at all

One fine mornin', she puts on a New York station
and she couldn't believe what she heard at all
She started dancin' to that fine-fine-fine-fine music
ooohhh, her life was saved by rock 'n' roll
hey baby, rock 'n' roll

Despite all the amputation
you could dance to a rock 'n' roll station
And it was all right
it was all right
hey babe

Jenny said, when she was just five years old
my parents will be the death of us alll
Two TV sets, two Cadillac cars
ahhh, hey, ain't help me nothin' at all
not at all

One fine morning, she heard on a New York station
she couldn't believe what she heard at all
not at all

Despite the amputation
you could dance to a rock 'n' roll station
It was all right
it was all right
oh, now here she comes now-now

Jenny said, when she was just five years old
you know there's nothin' happening at all
Yeah, every time she put on the radio
there was nothin' goin' down at all
not at all

Then one fine morning, she put on a New York station
and she couldn't believe what she heard at all
She started dancing to that fine-fine music
ahh, her life was saved by rock 'n' roll
rock 'n' roll

Despite all the amputation
you could dance to the rock 'n' roll station

It's all right, all right
all right, all right
All right, it's all right
all right, all right
Baby, baby
baby, baby, ooohhh

Your Stairway Lies on the Whispering Wind

2006-05-11T11:41:00.000-07:00

I found something really fabulous (or hilarious or scary) today. I remember listening to the radio in high school and the local radio station always did a "Top 200" countdown over Memorial Day weekend and pretty much every year, Stairway To Heaven would be the #1 song.

What is it about this song? Everybody who is learning to play guitar does two things -- they always learn the opening notes to "Smoke On The Water" and they always want to learn to play the intro to Stairway to Heaven. If you look at the lyrics and read them aloud, they sound silly. Yet I can't think of one rocker kid growing up in the suburbs in the 70's and 80's that doesn't know them by heart.

Personally, my favorite of the 64 versions is the Dolly Parton bluegrass version -- it's awesome.

A Song That Saved My Life

2006-05-10T13:51:00.000-07:00

Track #14 from Exile On Main Street, my 3rd Favorite Rolling Stones album is Let It Loose. In the early stages of a major life change, I would listen to this album every morning at my desk at work. It was almost like taking a vitamin. I had to hear the first song to wake me up..."The sunshine bores the daylights out of me, chasing shadows, moonlight mystery.." I'd sort of zone out and tune in when the songs I loved rolled around, until I'd hear the opening fingerpicked notes to Let It Loose. Sure, it's another broken relationship song, the lyrics are secondary to the tone of the music. Mick's voice sounded like my soul felt on those mornings -- raw and wretched, full of longing and regret. Then the horns come in...those horns, slow and mournful building and building with the background singers. Sheer tortured bliss. This song scratched open the old scars and allowed me to grieve. This song was the mirror to my pain. This song saved my life.

And The Radio Is In The Hands Of Such A Lot Of Fools

2006-05-08T06:16:00.000-07:00

WHO is cooler than Elvis Costello? Not too many people. This guy was one of the original "I.T."guys for Elizabeth Arden when computers were still as big as a winnebago who kept his day job until "My Aim Is True" broke over in America; got into a bar fight with Stephen Stills and his girlfriend over calling Ray Charles the "N" word; had a common-law marriage with the bass player of the Pogues; wrote an opera; dueted with George Jones; and last year toured with Emmylou Harris (which I happened to catch -- it was a phenomenal concert).

His songs are extremely well-crafted musically and he writes extremely smart lyrics. He's not the angry punk he was when he started out, but he certainly still has bite, just listen to last year's "The Delivery Man".

Here are MY personal top 10 favorite Elvis Costello songs:

10. Either Side of the Same Town
9. (The Angels Wanna Wear) My Red Shoes
8. Alison
7. Less Than Zero
6. Accidents Can Happen
5. So Like Candy
4. Pump It Up
3. (What's So Funny 'Bout) Peace, Love, and Understanding
2. Oliver's Army
1. Watching The Detectives

The PERFECT Friday Song

2006-05-05T06:00:00.000-07:00

This song is one of the best "horns" songs in the entire annals of music. I defy anyone to listen to this song and NOT feel it all over. This would qualify as one of my favorite songs of all time as well, and I'll have you know that I'm putting it on full blast this morning to get me ready for the weekend.

Sir Duke

Music is a world within itself
With a language we all understand
With an equal opportunity
For all to sing, dance and clap their hands
But just because a record has a groove
Don’t make it in the groove
But you can tell right away at letter a
When the people start to move

They can feel it all over
They can feel it all over people
They can feel it all over
They can feel it all over people

Music knows it is and always will
Be one of the things that life just won’t quit
But here are some of music’s pioneers
That time will not allow us to forget
For there’s basie, miller, satchmo
And the king of all sir duke
And with a voice like ella’s ringing out
There’s no way the band can lose

You can feel it all over
You can feel it all over people
You can feel it all over
You can feel it all over people

You can feel it all over
You can feel it all over people
You can feel it all over
You can feel it all over people

You can feel it all over
You can feel it all over people
You can feel it all over
You can feel it all over people

You can feel it all over
You can feel it all over people
You can feel it all over
I can feel it all over-all over now people

Can’t you feel it all over
Come on let’s feel it all over people
You can feel it all over
Everybody-all over people

Yodeling Beeyotch.

2006-05-04T08:24:00.000-07:00

"I also think this album serves as a somewhat cryptic chronicle my life, from being raised on a ranch in Alaska to being homeless and living in my car to seeing Hollywood for the first time to the little elixir that said 'Drink Me' to being signed to a label and going on a wild journey and kind of going full circle where I live on a ranch now in Texas."

Jewel yapping again about living in a GODDAMNED VAN!! JESUS CHRIST, BITCH, THAT WAS YEARS AGO, get the FUCK OVER IT!

The Chili Peppers Are Bummed Out.

2006-05-02T07:18:00.000-07:00

Date: Tues, May 2
Subject:
From: "Michael Balzary"
To: members@redhotchilipeppers.com

when i woke up this morning
i was was confronted with the news that our record has been leaked to
the internet
it does not come out til may 9 but now it has leaked
and not that i know alot about this kind of thing
but i guess now it is possible to down load it for free if you want
well
that's not very nice
if you down load it now off one of these file sharing sites
you will be getting a pale imitation of the record
it will be of the poor sound quality of the technique they used to
get it on there
and that will break my heart
it will break john frusciante's heart
it will break anthony kiedis's heart
and it will break the heart of chad smith
yes, we worked for a year and a half to make the epic record of our
lives
and it is sad to me for the business reasons of course
i think we are selling something really cool and we put all we had
into it, 28 songs, 2 hours of the best that we can offer
and i think it is a fair deal for everyone
and for people to just steal a poor sound quality version of it for free
because some asshole stole it and put it on the internet
is sad to me
but, equitable business reasons aside
the thing that really bums me out is
we worked so hard, and so thoughtfully, all of us, for so long
to make this record sound as warm and full from top to bottom
as was possible
we spent day and night for a year making sure every little sound was
just right
that they were all put together in the most beautiful way we could
we did not leave a stone unturned in doing that work
i can not put in words how much this record, stadium arcadium, means
to us
how sacred the sound of it is to us
and how many sleepless nights and hardworking days we all had
thinking about how to make it be the best sounding thing we could
and now, for someone to take it and put it out there with this poor
sound quality
it is a painful pill for us to swallow
let me tell you
this bums all of us out
and i know that, as sensitive as john frusciante is about sound
the idea of anyone getting and hearing this thing that way
will devastate him
for people to not hear the work the way we meant it to be
will really hurt him deep inside
and all of us will hurt

yes, it is stealing from us, and that is lame
everyone has to live with their own conscience on that one
let it be your guide
but to take a version that has been defiled sound wise
a version in which some idiot has taken our year and a half of soul
baring work and pissed all over it
that will break our hearts

sincerely,

flea

Speaking Of David Bowie...

2006-05-01T12:50:00.000-07:00

The Dad Who Fell to Earth

Sneaks into the movies.

By Jada Yuan

FilmMagic)

David Bowie is taking a break from being David Bowie, at least for a year. “I’m fed up with the industry,” he said at the Vanity Fair party last week. “And I’ve been fed up for quite some time.” He greeted strangers with, “Hi! I’m David. I have seven children. And I’m fucking freezing.” So how does an icon slack? “Just don’t participate. I’m taking a year off—no touring, no albums. I go for a walk every morning, and I watch a ton of movies. One day, I watched three Woody Allen movies in a row. I like going out to the Angelika: If the first one’s only okay, I’ll sneak into one after the other. It’s so easy.” He says he has no plans to take up hobbies either. “I’ve been listening to Arcade Fire and Secret Machines and this great opera from the eighties called Nixon in China. It’s just that. He gets off the plane. He has dinner with Mao. Someday, I might do opera. But I don’t have a musical in me, much less a vampire musical.”

Top Ten David Bowie Songs

2006-05-01T11:58:00.000-07:00

10. Oh! You Pretty Things
8. Moonage Daydream
7. Andy Warhol
6. Ashes To Ashes
5. Space Oddity
4. Modern Love
3. Life On Mars?
2. Young Americans
1. Ziggy Stardust

Songs I Am Utterly Unashamed To Love (Despite What Anyone Else Thinks)

2006-04-27T06:15:00.000-07:00

Again, this is a random sampling as it is impossible for me to put many things in order of preference much to the chagrin of people who demand rankings. I can do that with few things: my relatives, Rolling Stones albums, most hated football teams, but I cannot do that with general lists of songs not broken down by era, genre, artist, etc.

So here goes, today's random listing of songs that I am utterly unashamed to love. I openly will blast these songs and sing them at the top of my lungs wherever there happens to be a stereo.

1. Ain't No Mountain High Enough -- Diana Ross. I love the original version of this song of course, but THIS version is the one that I want to belt out. Diana is so hellish she's fabulous. She slaps mofos. She has crazy ass wigs. She hires Jamaicans to clean her house. Did anybody ever "Woah-hoah-oh...Oooo hooo!" as great as she did? I think not. I mean, one of my other favorite songs from her is Love Hangover and that is pretty much her whoa-hoahing throughout the whole song.

2. Superstar - the Carpenters. "Don't you remember you told me you loved me, baby?" Karen Carpenter has one of the all time greatest female voices in music ever. Her voice is so smooth and soothing and she and her brother wrote some pretty amazing songs. This one is the one on my mind this morning but pretty much any of them (except Sing, which annoys me) can fit on this list.

3. Bat Out Of Hell -- Meatloaf. This whole album is a classic, every song on this album is great. Jim Steinman wrote some great songs including two others for other artists that are in my total guilty pleasure list. This one is the title track and one of the most fun to sing along to. I like this song because it is a dramatic epic of a song and Meatloaf's voice is also dramatic. I mean, Jim Steinman found him performing in Hair on Broadway and he sang the shit out of this album. "And I'm DYING AT THE BOTTOM OF A HILL IN THE BLAZING SUN!! TORN AND TWISTED AT THE FOOT OF A BURNING BIKE! and I think somebody somewhere must be tolling a bell...and the last thing I see is my heart, still beating, breaking out of my body and flying away like a bat out of hell." Great stuff.

4. Look of Love -- ABC. I love everything about this song. It's total "80's"-ness. Even the crazy bit at the end.

5. Lady -- Styx. This song is from the pre-Tommy Shaw era of Styx and before Come Sail Away. One of the characters in "Freaks and Geeks" sang this song to his lady as a serenade as she stared at him, incredulous (she soon dumped him). Recently I saw an old Simpsons episode (the Odyssey) where Homer is on a raft in the River Styx, this song is playing while he's floating and he wails, "This really IS hell!" -- I laughed pretty hard because I know most people think it's "cool" to rag on Styx or Journey, but I can't lie, I have ALWAYS dug this song from the first time I heard it in the 7th grade. I will also state here for the record that the very first album I bought with my own money was Paradise Theater. Adam Sandler knows where I'm coming from.

6. The Humpty Dance -- Digital Underground All right, stop what you're doin', cuz I'm about to ruin' the image and the style that you're used to. My hip hop purist ex was horrified that this was one of the only hip hop albums that I owned. This song was the THEME of the summer of 1990 which TO DATE was the greatest summer of my life. I don't get to hear it much anymore unless I go digging deep in my CD collection to find it. Yesterday I saw someone drop a quick lyric from this song on their blog and instantly I finished the verse.

7. I Want It That Way -- Backstreet Boys When this song first came out I was horrified at how infectiously catchy it was. It flies in the face of my criteria -- these guys can't play an instrument, they didn't write one damn song, they weren't even a "boy band" because they were MEN and they were no kind of a band. They were actually a MAN GROUP. However this song is friggin' great. The Force MD's wrote it, remember them? They wrote Tender Love, the prom theme of most junior proms of 1986? Anyway, what cemented my eternal love for this song was that crazy video of the two Chinese boys lipsynching to this song with much earnestness. Yeah, I love this song.

8. Shout At The Devil -- Motley Crue Doesn't it seem so harmless now? I had to smuggle this album past my very Christian mother because of it's black on black huge pentagram on the front. She had already banned Ozzy Osbourne for the bat incident and Dan Fogelberg (because he was openly atheist). Every now and then I'll hear this song and I still know all the words.

9. Do They Know It's Christmas -- Band-Aid I can't think of a cheesier snapshot of the Do-Gooder "We Are The World - Let's Help Everybody Cuz We Are Rich As Hell!" Musicians of the 80's than this Christmas song. Before seeing the video 20+ years ago I had to guess who was who. I mean, the dude from Kajagoogoo has a line in the song! And how awesome is Boy George, "And in our WORLD of PLENTY we could SHARE A SMILE of joy...throw your ARMS around the WORLD at CHRISTMASTIIIIME!" I'm mocked mericlessly by my bandmate for loving this song so, but it is HE that lacks vision.

10. What Kind Of Fool -- Barbra Striesand and Barry Gibb This song has become an inside joke with a friend of mine...we sing "What Kind of TOOL". I genuinely love this song though. I love the BeeGees -- I love their 60's stuff pre-Saturday Night Fever. I shamelessly love their disco, it's great for what it was. Barry's voice is so distinctive, you always know it's him and nobody sings like that anymore. This is from their album of duets, "Guilty" where they both wore white and she had a big ol' fro and he was wearing a shirt open to his solar plexus. I had to download this song and burn it on a CD which I keep close at hand for whenever I have to hit the bridge with Babs and sing, "Was there a moment when I cut you down? Played around? What have I done? I only apologize for being as they say, the last to know...it has to show when someone is in your eyes."

I don't even consider these songs "guilty pleasures" because I feel no guilt at ALL about loving them. There's plenty more but these are the ones I had on the top of my head today.

You know you have some, too...what are they? They can't be "guilty pleasures" -- you have to feel no shame despite overwhelming public opinion. That's the guideline.

The Unsexiest Men in Music

2006-04-26T13:07:00.000-07:00

The Phoenix recently published a list of the 100 unsexiest guys in the world. This was not a general poll and was in fact selected by their staff. There were few surprises near the top of the list but I wanted to list only the musicians/singers that they noted here, with their comments and then mine. Because it's a beautiful world when a blog critic can critique a criticism! My comments are in lovely cornflower blue.

1. Chad Kroeger: It's not just the massive head, weird face, and bad hair. It's also the fact that he's in Nickelback, the worst band since the dawn of music. There's no way that this guy is LESS sexy than Michael Jackson. No way. This guy looks like he'd like some pussy. Not pubescent boy butt.

2. Mike Mills: You'd want to talk music with the bassist from REM. Sleep with? Not unless you're trying to get to Pete Buck.
HE is less sexy than Michael Jackson?? Come ON! He's endearing. I'd nail him before I'd nail Michael Stipe.

3. Michael Jackson: What happens when an ugly JC Penny manequin has sex with Pogo, the clown identity of serial killer John Wayne Gacy. The words "sexy" should not be in any sentance that contains the words Michael Jackson. I feel really sorry for him because it's obvious that he had a horrific childhood of exploitation and God only knows what else but he is past the point of healing from it and went straight into butterfly-net territory. To quote a friend, this guy is baking cookies in his head.

4. Mike D. of the Beastie Boys: We hate to do this. But the sickly looking Beastie "did it like this, did it like that, did it with a wiffle ball bat . . . because no one would want to get within three feet of him naked. Mike has no business on this list. He's a BEASTIE BOY for God's sake!

5. Raffi: Maybe it's his proffession. But no one surveyed, man or woman, could think of any situation in which they would bed down with him. This guy doesn't even have a penis. He has a smooth round bump like a Ken doll.

6. Paul Shaffer: The bic'd look does not work for everyone, plus he makes all those crazy faces while he plays. I object to his attire more than his odd looks. However he looks like the baby buzzard from the old Bugs Bunny cartoon, you know the one, the one where "my mama done told me...to bring home the dinner" --- doesn't he?

7. Axl Rose: I mean . . . did you see the 2003 VMAs? Once upon a time this guy was a seriously hot piece of ass. Sure, Axl Au Courant is all puffy and shiny and bald and Kurtz in Apocalypse Now, but still, they should have had respect for Vintage Axl.

8. Gerard Way (from My Chemical Romance): Luckiest dude since Ringo. Or at the very least, since D12. I'm not a fan, but he's kind of got a babyface and reminds me of this Brit dude I nailed once in a cemetary.

9. Scott Stapp I would make this guy #1 -- not only is he insufferable as a "Christian" but he's worse as a totally wasted blowjob homemade porno star loser who has to hire a "sobriety coach" to watch this GROWN ASS MAN and father every second of the day to make sure he isn't pouring intoxicants into himself. He also got so wasted at his own wedding he got arrested before he could get off the plane for his honeymoon. This guy is a complete tool.

10. Lyle Lovett I heartily disagree. The staff of Phoenix have OBVIOUSLY never seen this man live. He is so talented, charming, down to earth, and his own person that I COMPLETELY see why Julia Roberts married him. He probably wouldn't make my top ten sexiest list but he'd be number 11.

11. Ric Ocasek: Yes, we know who his wife is. And no, we don't care. He's definitely goofy looking, and super skinny. His wife is dead sexy.

12. Bill Wyman Yes, this guy is nasty. He was nasty when he was young and not a borderline pedophile marrying barely legal teens.

13. Clay Aiken: This feels like a cheap shot, but even leaving aside the rumors about his personal life, he still looks like someone's bratty little brother. He's a rat-faced boy. However there's something about him that is like catnip to middle aged asexual women who wear elastic waisted pants and have short frosted brown hair. If you ever read his fan site's message boards you would see what I mean. They write stories -- sort of like romance novels -- starring THEM and CLAY AIKEN as their romantic lead. They're frighteningly icky. I posted a poem on one such board containing a line like "My forearms are thicker than your thighs" and I was summarily banned for life.

14. John Popper -- Alright, the dude was hugely fat. I heard he got the gastric bypass, however he is one talented mofo and if talent counts for anything he should be way lower.

15. Meat Loaf Aday Poor Meat Loaf. Another really talented guy penalized by his girth. He and Popper both have very pleasant faces.

16. Joe Walsh He's a cool dude, but sexy, he is not.

17. Art Garfunkel They saw fit not to comment, and I guess I don't have to either.

18. Lemmy Kilmister: Sadly, the ravages of time have not been kind to him. Sadly, youth wasn't very kind to him either.

19. Richie "La Bamba" Rosenberg This man has a frightening combover.

20. Kevin Federline: Mooching hicks aren't so hot these days. He shouldn't be on this list. Not because he's not unsexy, because he is TOTALLY unsexy, but he is NO KIND OF MUSICIAN! If I were Britney Spears I would move to Bahrain and live next door to Michael Jackson because she has now made a complete joke of her life marrying this tool.

Worst Songs Ever

2006-04-26T05:51:00.000-07:00

There are a few places online where you can find compiled lists of the worst songs ever.

I think one of the easiest ways to find your own ideas is to listen to AOL Radio's XM decade channels at work. That's what I do. Suddenly a song that had traumatized me many years ago that I had blocked completely from my memory will come up and I'll be traumatized anew. This happened this morning with "Kiss On My List". GOD ALMIGHTY, I HATE THAT SONG.

I do NOT, however, hate Hall and Oates. They had some pretty decent tunes in their prime. That one annoyed the crap out of me as well as "Maneater".

Here are a random sampling of ten of the worst songs EVER in my book -- granted, I will say that this list IS subjective because some of these songs are associated with PEOPLE that I totally despise, be them the singer or just random folks in my life who LOVED the singer or whatever.

10. Everything I Do (I Do It For You) - Bryan Adams -- I can't tell you, my readers, how deeply and purely I hate Kevin Costner. I despise that fuckwad so much that I can't look at his face without wanting to claw my own eyes out. I won't do that because I refuse to have the memory of my last sight being HIS smug mug. Pretentious git! Stupid jackass, jerking off during a massage and a swanky hotel...UH, KEVIN...WRONG kind of massage, eh? NO happy endings for him!!! PIG. This song, on it's OWN is schmaltzy and nauseating but it's association with the cinematic ABORTION that "Robin Hood" was just adds to its overall suckiness.

9. Let Her Cry -- Hootie and the Blowfish -- Hootie is what was wrong with "mainstream" rock in the 90's.

8. Red, White, and Blue -- Lynryd Skynyrd (or what's left of them) -- These lyrics deserve a posting all their own but I can't even dignify that. Google them. They blow. I despise patriotism as a desperate marketing tool for a band that peaked over 30 years ago. Trying to claim that they're "just like us" and working class when they've been coasting on royalties and the occasional pathetic tour is such unbelieveable horseshit.

7. ANYTHING by John Mayer -- he can play guitar but I hate his freakin' voice and his lyrics are "special" if you know what I mean. He is doing what he thinks high school girls thinks is sexy...he's creepy.

6. Stop For Love -- Luther Vandross -- I hate this song because it reminds me of my college roommate freshman year who was a pure midwestern princess...of DARKNESS. Everything she wore had to coordinate to the EARRINGS. Royal BLUE was her favorite color. She made SpaghettiOs in a hot pot and then let it rot until our room reeked of canned processed tomato sauce. She insisted on a humidifer which left a cloudly film on ALL of our belongings and turned our room into a tropical rainforest. She also LOVED the Luther Vandross album that featured "Stop For Love" as its first single. She played this song over and over and over and over and over and over again.

5. Danger Zone -- Kenny Loggins -- This is also a repetition issue. First, in college, two girls who lived down the hall were OBSESSED with both Tom Cruise and this soundtrack. I also hate "Take My Breath Away" for the same reason however it's not as odious as THIS song which is MORE associated with "Top Gun" to me than the Berlin ballad. Not only did I suffer the endless repetition and overall suckiness of THIS horrible song from an even WORSE movie, but my younger sister LOVED this movie so much that when I came home from work (she was still in high school) she would be watching this movie. EVERY DAY. It was only supplanted by Dirty Dancing, which leads me to:

4. She's Like The Wind -- Patrick Swayze -- I believe in this simple rule of thumb. Singers who move into acting are usually pretty good actors. Actors who decide they're rock stars and cut an album??? SUCK MAJOR GOAT BALLS. I am talking to you, Lindsay Lohan. I am also talking to Eddie Murphy, Don Johnson, Jack Wagner, Jennifer Lopez, and William Shatner. It's a rumor in the record biz that J.Lo could attribute her voice to major studio wizardry and a little ghost singer called...ASHANTI. I digress... this song is so pathetic I don't even need to lay out why.

3. I Don't Want To Miss A Thing -- Aerosmith -- When I hear the opening strains of this song I slam my radio button to the point that I could break speed records. Diane Warren is evil and must be destroyed. She sits in her labratory concoting infectious pop songs with heinously cliched hooky lyrics that sink into the brain like the chains of the Cenobites and pull the gray matter into mushy chunks that render one to sing along in a flat zombified fashion. She also compels people to purchase her work making her one hell of a wealthy woman. The fact that Aerosmith were once bad ass rock stars reduced to singing formulaic whiny ballads written by a bitter lesbian on a battered upright in New Jersey makes me want to vomit all over Steven Tyler's scarf-adorned mike stand.

2. ANYTHING by the Spin Doctors -- This band is the SUCKIEST SUCK that has EVER SUCKED!!! The local "Classic Rock" radio station INSISTS on playing their only two hits. I cannot for the life of me fathom who on EARTH liked this band or why. I actually know someone who used to bang the drummer and SHE even hated their music. I guess they had some kind of psilocybin scene that this person was also way into so I suspect that blasted on mushrooms that she could make herself get naked with that drummer despite the unbelievable amount of suckiness he inflicted on the world with his compatriots. I would like to pimp-slap the lead singer across the face until my hand goes numb. Even then, I wouldn't be satisfied. I'm so glad that they have decided to stop pumping SUCKAGE into our environment. The Spin Doctors going away quietly would be the truest act of kindness to me that anyone had ever performed. I thank them.

1. Morning Train (9 to 5) -- Sheena Easton -- I do not find Sheena Easton offensive in general, but this song is like fingernails on the chalkboard of my soul. I hate the melody, I hate the verse, I hate the lyrics. Sheena, how about YOU get a job, pick up a check once in a while? Oh that's right, you're SCOTTISH. Notoriously cheap. I can say that because my great-grandmother was from Scotland and that bitch didn't work either.

There are many more songs that I hate, and like I said, these are not in order of suckage -- they ALL SUCK EQUALLY. This ten was just a random sampling. Feel free to let me know which songs YOU think suck that I didn't mention.

Can You Feel The Love Tonight?

2006-04-24T06:57:00.000-07:00

George Michael feuding with Elton John again

LONDON, England (Reuters) -- British pop star George Michael has reignited his feud with Elton John, saying recent harsh media treatment of his personal life started when John made adverse comments about his state of mind.

British tabloid the Daily Mirror printed the headline: "Drugs Could Kill George Michael" after the 42-year-old was arrested in February for possessing illegal drugs.

"The trajectory of my particular soap opera (with the press) launched from that statement Elton made about 18 months ago when Elton hadn't seen me for years," Michael told ITV host Michael Parkinson.

"Elton said he thought I was really miserable for some reason. From that point on I've been trying to prove that I'm not. Unfortunately it made me incredibly vulnerable to the press."

In December, 2004, John said Michael appeared to be in a "strange place," wasting his talent by staying at home and shunning the limelight.

"The subtext to it is 'well, he was all right before he came out and now he lives this depraved gay life and he's miserable and fat,' " Michael said, adding that he felt fine.

Michael ended years of speculation about his sexuality by announcing he was gay after he was arrested in 1998 for engaging in a "lewd act" in a public toilet in Los Angeles.

John, 59, was one of the first to take advantage of a change in British legislation last December allowing gay marriage.

Michael, the former frontman of Wham!, said he planned to legally register his partnership with Kenny Goss when the couple reach their 10th anniversary later this year and was planning his first tour for 15 years later in 2006.

"I haven't felt this good since I was a lot younger," he told ITV television in an interview to be broadcast on Saturday evening. A transcript was made available on Friday.

Michael has sold more than 80 million records and performed hits such as "Careless Whisper," "Last Christmas" and "Faith."

"It's a strange frustration to have to keep looking at this parallel life, this Fleet Street life," he added, referring to the London street where major newspapers used to be based.

George Michael -- you're here, you're queer, we're used to it. Just sing and let that bitchy cow Elton allow himself his delusions of Capote-esque witty critiques.

It's Official

2006-04-11T10:52:00.000-07:00

I am 18% Idiot.

I am not annoying at all. In fact most people come to me for advice. Of course they annoy the hell out of me. But what can I do? I am smarter than most people.

Take the
Idiot Test
@ FualiDotCom

WHAT FRESH HELL IS THIS?

2006-04-10T11:27:00.000-07:00

Somebody, PLEASE KILL ME.

I beg you.

Kill me.

This heiress-socialite-amateur porn star-"actress"-Greek shipping heir afficianado is taking her sweet ass time working on her album. Of course she can get all these respected producers and songwriters to help her out, she can actually PAY THEM.

I wish I had more money than her so I could pay HER to not sing.

What's Wrong With Music Today? The Pussycat Dolls

2006-04-07T06:17:00.000-07:00

These girls are dancers. They used to be a Burlesque Troupe (since there's a burlesque revival -- if you are not a Bettie Page freak- hipster-DIY-pinup- rockabilly type you might not be "cool" enough to know this) but got greedy and decided that they wanted more. They wanted pop stardom. They thought headlining in Vegas wasn't good enough and they could turn their sassy moves and skimpy clothes into mad Benjamins instead of the sweaty crumpled Washingtons that used to be stuffed into their musty thongs.

I have a love-hate thing with Pop in general as one might have guessed from reading any of my previous posts. I hate the vapidness and manufactured pablum quality of the music that is getting the most radio airplay. My mate says, "It's just harmless pop! It's not hurting anybody!" but I disagree. It hurts me. It hurts me very deeply, scarring my soul, warping ny DNA and sending free-radicals throughout my body causing inflammation and premature aging. It also gives me that "not so fresh feeling".

Why? Because they are no more than a skankier Backstreet Boys. They write nothing. They produce nothing. Only one of them can kind of sing and she has that generic psuedo-R&B voice and the rest of them just kind of lipsynch to background singers. They look good (most of them, the redhead is a Butta Face) and they can move, and that's about it. HOWEVER they keep charting, their album is selling, and 5 of their songs are on the AOL Top 100 Videos.

I don't care that they're overtly sexual and that six year old girls watching their videos are going to hike their shorts up until their labia are practically hanging out and do pelvic thrusts while singing, "Don'tcha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me?" -- what disturbs me is that some girl is going to want to be a pop star and instead of learning an instrument and writing decent lyrics, she's going to use her sexuality instead of any other kind of talent because Pop says you don't NEED talent! You only need a nicely toned midriff and the ability to stick your ass out with some kind of rhythm.

I will not be posting any of their inane lyrics because I cannot say anything better than what I read last night from She-ra at The Road More Travelled.

Don't Alienate Your Gay Fans If You Want To Be An Idol

2006-04-06T06:06:00.000-07:00

From The Advocate:
Idol finalist Mandisa is big fan of antigay writer

Is an American Idol finalist a proponent of the "ex-gay" movement?

That's what some viewers are asking following Mandisa's performance and on-camera comments during Tuesday's live show. For the episode's “Songs of the 21st Century” theme, Mandisa chose the Mary Mary gospel belter “Wanna Praise You,” preceding the song with the following introduction: "This song goes out to everybody that wants to be free. Your addiction, lifestyle, or situation may be big, but God is bigger!" In the taped segment beforehand, Mandisa said the song "means a lot to me because it's a testimony that there's nothing too hard for God."

On the American Idol Web site, the 29-year-old Mandisa, a native of Antioch, Tenn., lists author and lecturer Beth Moore as her personal American idol. Mandisa writes on the site that Moore “inspires me to live more like Jesus, and I want to do the same.”

Moore is the author of such books as Breaking Free: Making Liberty in Christ a Reality in Life, which contains the following passage: "A young Christian girl has a harsh abusive father. She grows up with a fear and distaste for men. Satan supplies a slightly older woman who seems tender and caring. The comforting relationship turns into a physical relationship, so the young woman assumes she must be homosexual. In her heart she knows what she is doing is wrong, but she feels helpless without her new comforter. Soon she starts socializing with other women who are practicing homosexuality, because they will support her new habit with the lies she needs to continue. She avoids the Bible and chooses books that advocate homosexuality. She drops all relationships except those that support the fraudulent attachment with lies.... Scary, isn't it?"

According to Moore's Web site, she founded the Living Proof Ministries in 1994 with the purpose of teaching women how to love and live on God's Word. Part of Living Proof Ministries' mission statement includes the statement “We believe that 'Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners' and can fully redeem and powerfully use even those who consider they have been the worst.” (1 Timothy 1:15). She also provides links to "ex-gay" groups including Exodus International and Exodus Youth.

Idol representatives told The Advocate they don't comment on the personal lives of contestants. (Neal Broverman, The Advocate)

Oh, and she's fat, too.

That's ok for DUDES, you know. As Peter Griffin said on Family Guy, "Men aren't fat...only fat WOMEN are fat." Men are not as penalized for their weight as fat women are. That's why a HUMONGOUS fat dude like Ruben Studdard can win and Mandisa who is about 1/3 the size of Ruben can get ousted after two iffy weeks.

There's no DOUBT that she has a better voice than, oh, maybe 5 or 6 of the remaining 9. However, American Idol is not about who is the MOST TALENTED. It's about who is the most NON-THREATENING and BLAND. Look at Carrie Underwood. Cute, but nothing really SPECIAL there. Fantaisia was unusual but she has sold the least records. Kelly Clarkson is the most successful Idol but she was even told to slim down and she wasn't even close to fat.

Fat wasn't the only thing working against Mandisa, though. She openly loves Jesus. Even though our country was founded on Judeo-Christian ideals, our society has become very secular and people who openly proclaim their devout Christianity are as suspect as say, Scientologists. Being openly down with The Jeez just isn't "cool" or "pop" and is definitely NOT where American Idol is at.

Mandisa will probably be very successful, and if she decided to actually go the Gospel route, she will not be penalized for her weight there. As the president of a record label I knew once said: "If you are NOT HOT or in your late 20's or 30's and you haven't made it yet, you WON'T -- unless you're in a niche genre like bluegrass or gospel or jazz."

Holy Rollin' and a big butt trump a great voice in Pop.

Al-Quida's New Theme Song

2006-04-05T12:47:00.000-07:00

Man held as terrorism suspect over punk song
Wed Apr 5, 2006 09:15 AM ET

LONDON (Reuters) - British anti-terrorism detectives escorted a man from a plane after a taxi driver had earlier become suspicious when he started singing along to a track by punk band The Clash, police said Wednesday.

Detectives halted the London-bound flight at Durham Tees Valley Airport in northern England and Harraj Mann, 24, was taken off.

The taxi driver had become worried on the way to the airport because Mann had been singing along to The Clash's 1979 anthem "London Calling," which features the lyrics "Now war is declared -- and battle come down" while other lines warn of a "meltdown expected."

Mann told British newspapers the taxi had been fitted with a music system which allowed him to plug in his MP3 player and he had been playing The Clash, Procol Harum, Led Zeppelin and the Beatles to the driver.

"He didn't like Led Zeppelin or The Clash but I don't think there was any need to tell the police," Mann told the Daily Mirror.

A Durham police spokeswoman said Mann had been released after questioning -- but had missed his flight.

"The report was made with the best of intentions and we wouldn't want to discourage people from contacting us with genuine concerns," she said.

LONDON CALLING -- LYRICS

London Calling
------The Clash

London calling to the faraway towns
Now war is declared - and battle come down
London calling to the underworld
Come out of the cupboard,you boys and girls
London calling, now don't look to us
Phoney Beatlemania has bitten the dust
London calling, see we ain't got no swing
'Cept for the reign of that truncheon thing

The ice age is coming, the sun's zooming in
Meltdown expected, the wheat is growing thin
Engines stop running, but I have no fear
Cause London is burning and I live by the river

London calling to the imitation zone
Forget it, brother, you can go at it alone
London calling to the zombies of death
Quit holding out - and draw another breath
London calling - and I don't wanna shout
But while we were talking I saw you nodding out
London calling, see we ain't got no high
Except for that one with the yellowy eyes

The ice age is coming, the sun's zooming in
Engines stop running, the wheat is growing thin
A nuclear error, but I have no fear
Cause London is drowning and I, I live by the river

Now get this
London calling, yes, I was there, too
An' you know what they said? Well, some of it was true!
London calling at the top of the dial
And after all this, won't you give me a smile?
London Calling

I never felt so much alike, like-a, like-a...

People are looking the wrong way here. Every single member of the Western Civilizations needs to read Knowing The Enemy -- Jihadist Ideology and the War on Terror by Mary Habeck. The real jihadist extremists REJECT all things that come from "unbelievers" and I think the Clash would fall under that blanket. They believe that the US, Israel, the UK and others are in cahoots to COMPLETELY ELIMINATE Islam in an epic battle of good vs. evil. They cast themselves in the "good" role. By the way, the author stresses that the jihadist extremists are in the MINORITY and that the majority of Muslims are peaceful "live and let live" kind of people. The kind of people that would tolerate old punk songs from the early 80's.

Et tu, Prince? Et TU?

2006-04-05T07:45:00.000-07:00

April 2, 2006 -- NOTORIOUSLY shy Prince is willing to do anything to keep his album "3121" at the top of the Billboard charts. Industry insiders say Prince is worried that his record, which recently debuted at No. 1, might drop off the charts next week. So his record company convinced him to go on "American Idol" to boost sales as Barry Manilow did earlier this year. "It wasn't easy though," said one source, "because Prince apparently hates the show and has never even watched it." A rep for Prince didn't return calls.

I hate the show but I watch it anyway because I am a masochist. I also gamble on the show -- we bet $1 over whether Simon likes the perfomance or not and of course, who's getting booted.

I saw Prince in concert last year and I'm not exaggerating when I say it was one of the greatest concerts I have ever been to in my LIFE. He did a whole solo acoustic set with cool interpretations of Little Red Corvette and Raspberry Beret. His band was TIGHT. The only odd thing was that he changed some of the words in his songs because now that he's a Jehovah's Witness, he won't swear. That was kind of odd during DMSR.

The thing about American Idol is that it's so obvious that it's rigged. This is the first year I've watched it and I do consider myself to have exceptionally excellent taste in music and for the most part everybody is kind of OK but I haven't seen ANYTHING that really stands out and screams, "YEAH THIS PERSON SHOULD BE A HUGE STAR". So why is it that certain people who are kind of boring get heaped with praise? Yeah, Katherine McPhee, I'm talking to you. BOOOOORRRING!! I also read somewhere that she's a Scientologist which explains a lot. She sings with precision but there's NO SOUL or PASSION there. Perhaps her body thetans are in the way.

Everyone is also making a big deal about the bald guy -- who is pretty good -- but no better than a million other lead singers of cover bands all over the US. The ones who I think are pretty good will NOT win for various reasons. Elliot can really sing but he doesn't have a strong personality. Paris can sing but she's a little screechy at times and too young. Mandisa can REALLY sing, but the record industry is not kind to big women, even if they're black, unless they're in gospel. Last, Taylor has that something-something but he MIGHT be just too quriky to be the bland American Idol in keeping with all the other past winners. I would bet $5 he comes in second though. I think it will be Chris or Katherine.

More Great Lyrics

2006-04-05T07:28:00.000-07:00

The Craftsman: Tom Waits

INVITATION TO THE BLUES

Well she's up against the register with an apron and a spatula,
Yesterday's deliveries, tickets for the bachelors
She's a moving violation from her conk down to her shoes,
Well, it's just an invitation to the blues

And you feel just like Cagney, she looks like Rita Hayworth
At the counter of the Schwab's drugstore
You wonder if she might be single, she's a loner and likes to mingle
Got to be patient, try and pick up a clue

She said How you gonna like 'em, over medium or scrambled?,
You say Anyway's the only way, be careful not to gamble
On a guy with a suitcase and a ticket getting out of here
It's a tired bus station and an old pair of shoes
This ain't nothing but an invitation to the blues

But you can't take your eyes off her, get another cup of java,
It's just the way she pours it for you, joking with the customers
Mercy mercy, Mr. Percy, there ain't nothing back in Jersey
But a broken-down jalopy of a man I left behind
And the dream that I was chasing, and a battle with booze
And an open invitation to the blues

But she used to have a sugar daddy and a candy-apple Caddy,
And a bank account and everything, accustomed to the finer things
He probably left her for a socialite, and he didn't 'cept at night,
And then he's drunk and never even told her that her cared
So they took the registration, and the car-keys and her shoes
And left her with an invitation to the blues

Cause there's a Continental Trailways leaving local bus tonight, good evening
You can have my seat, I'm sticking round here for a while
Get me a room at the Squire, the filling station's hiring,
And I can eat here every night, what the hell have I got to lose?
Got a crazy sensation, go or stay? now I gotta choose,
And I'll accept your invitation to the blues

This is one of the many great songs on the album "Small Change" which is probably my favorite Tom Waits album although I love most of them as much. Tom is a master observer and storyteller and the melodies create a mood to match the lyrics. Tom Waits is one of the absolute best songwriters of our time.

Talk Radio Is Whitewashed

2006-04-04T13:08:00.000-07:00

Where is the diversity in radio in general and WFNY 92.3 Free FM in particular?

They only have one radio personality of color on the
network. Chuck Nice on afternoon drive as a co-host
with Lisa Gold aka the Radio Chick, who is NOT a person of color.

Here's what I don't understand -- I KNOW that Howard Stern had a large black audience. I also know that Power 105 -- a hip hop station -- has huge ratings in the morning with their morning talk show host (who is known to cut songs off, so you know they're not listening to the station just for the music). Do the powers that be think that because 92.3 used to be K-Rock that there are no black listeners out there?

David Lee Roth is tanking. They need to shake it up over there. They need to get that Crossover Negro Reese, formerly of Power 105's Star and Buc Wild Morning show in there to stir things up. He is well read and bitingly funny and people of ANY color can identify with his kind of snarky humor.

I think it's sad that radio programmers think they know their audience. Black people listen to NPR, God only knows why, but if they'd listen to THAT snooze-fest then there's no reason to think that 92.3 is a white-only radio station. Something needs to change or that station is going to end up blasting salsa.

I Am Really Digging Matisyahu

2006-04-04T08:46:00.000-07:00

I saw his video "King Without A Crown" on MTV Hits the other day. The lyrics are awesome. I'd like to hear the rest of the album.

http://matisyahu.org/

Noel G is chatty in the news about other bands lately

2006-04-03T11:26:00.000-07:00

Noel Gallagher admits to Abba love

Monday, April 3 2006, 18:58 BST - by Fiona Edwards

Noel Gallagher has admitted to a not-so-secret love of Swedish pop legends Abba.

The Oasis rocker revealed that he has always admired the group, and doesn't understand the "kitsch" label they have earned for themselves.

“I love ABBA," Gallagher declared. "To listen to those songs, they're incredible. And the way that they sound is even more incredible.

“I never understood the kitsch tag that Abba have. People seem to look at them in an ironic way.”

Again, I agree with Noel. I love Abba, sincerely! Not only that, but I utterly love the BeeGees and for good reason. Awesome songwriters, great harmonies. What's not to love?

Lyrics that don't suck...

2006-04-03T08:49:00.000-07:00

Panic on the streets of London
Panic on the streets of Birmingham
I wonder to myself
Could life ever be sane again ?
The Leeds side-streets that you slip down
I wonder to myself
Hopes may rise on the Grasmere
But Honey Pie, you're not safe here
So you run down
To the safety of the town
But there's Panic on the streets of Carlisle
Dublin, Dundee, Humberside
I wonder to myself

Burn down the disco
Hang the blessed DJ
Because the music that they constantly play
IT SAYS NOTHING TO ME ABOUT MY LIFE
Hang the blessed DJ
Because the music they constantly play

On the Leeds side-streets that you slip down
Provincial towns you jog 'round
Hang the DJ, Hang the DJ, Hang the DJ (etc.)

The line, "Hang the blessed DJ because they music that they constantly play - it says nothing to me about my life" is one of the best lines ever. EVER.

Please Please Please Let Me Get What I Want This Time

2006-04-03T07:19:00.000-07:00

Smiths offered even more cash to reunite

Johnny Marr reveals silly money was on the table

Johnny Marr has confirmed recent rumours that The Smiths had been offered a fortune to reform, but added even more cash was on the table.

As previously reported, Morrissey revealed the group was offered $5m to play last year's Coachella festival.

Now his former bandmate Marr has confirmed that the group have been offered even more than that in the past.

"I don't really want to get into figures, but yes, I was made an offer for the Smiths to reform at Coachella," he told his official website Jmarr.com.

"I was also offered twice as much for us to play in New York, Hyde Park and God knows where else."

Despite offers believed to be in the region of $10m, the reunion has never taken place, with Morrissey stating: "Money doesn't come into it. It never has. I do what I do because it's all that I am."

Source: NME

I know, I know, I know. The Smiths broke up before I even discovered them. I was going to see Morrissey in LA back in 1991 but he cancelled the concert. I love the Smiths. I love Morrissey's voice, the SOUND of the band and of course, the lyrics.

I also sort of believe that once a band is broken up the magic that they created is gone and can't ever be fully recovered. For example, the Eagles. They do that "Hell Freezes Over" tour and it is obvious to EVERYONE that they are pretty much doing it for the money and not because they are dying to play together. Even older bands will just grab some substitute for an original member and hit the road for the cash. I heard this morning that the Cars are touring WITHOUT Ric Ocasek or Benjamin Orr. OK, that is NOT the Cars.

So while I would LOVE to see the original Smiths in concert ANYWHERE -- even on TV, part of me respects the hell out of Morrissey's lack of interest. That part of his life is over.

GREAT Lyrics

2006-03-31T15:11:00.000-08:00

The Craftswoman: Joni Mitchell

The last time I saw Richard was Detroit in ’68,
And he told me all romantics meet the same fate someday
Cynical and drunk and boring someone in some dark cafe

You laugh, he said you think you’re immune,
Go look at your eyes
They’re full of moon
You like roses and kisses and pretty men to tell you
All those pretty lies, pretty lies
When you gonna realise they’re only pretty lies
Only pretty lies, just pretty lies

He put a quarter in the wurlitzer, and he pushed
Three buttons and the thing began to whirr
And a bar maid came by in fishnet stockings and a bow tie
And she said drink up now it’s gettin’ on time to close.

Richard, you haven’t really changed, I said
It’s just that now you’re romanticizing some pain that’s in your head
You got tombs in your eyes, but the songs
You punched are dreaming
Listen, they sing of love so sweet, love so sweet
When you gonna get yourself back on your feet?
Oh and love can be so sweet, love so sweet

Richard got married to a figure skater
And he bought her a dishwasher and a coffee percolator
And he drinks at home now most nights with the tv on
And all the house lights left up bright

I’m gonna blow this damn candle out
I don’t want nobody comin’ over to my table
I got nothing to talk to anybody about
All good dreamers pass this way some day
Hidin’ behind bottles in dark cafes
Dark cafes
Only a dark cocoon before I get my gorgeous wings
And fly away
Only a phase, these dark cafe days

Objectionable Lyrics

2006-03-31T12:32:00.000-08:00

Offender: Kelly Clarkson

"Because Of You"

I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
Cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did,
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way
To never let it get that far

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid

Because of you
Because of you

Kelly, Kelly, Kelly! Are you the same girl that was going to make a wish, take a chance and break away? Now you're too scared and screwed up because of someone else? You won't cry because you're afraid they'll think you're weak? What the hell? Is this about a parent? If they were dying and crying every night and you're crying for the same thing is it because you're dying?

Mostly I find this offensive because I believe in taking personal responisbility for your feelings. Blaming your agoraphobia, emtpy life, and rigid adherence to one side of the sidewalk smacks of a victim mentality. Go ahead girl, cross that street.

TRAVESTY ABOUNDS

2006-03-31T11:44:00.000-08:00

Pink and Britney duel for Joplin role

Pop stars Pink and Britney Spears are set to battle it out for the chance to play the role of Janis Joplin in an upcoming biopic of the legendary blues singer's life, titled 'The Gospel According To Janis'.

Director Penelope Spheeris has reportedly met with Pink, Zooey Deschanel and 'Mean Girls' star Lindsay Lohan in connection with the biopic but has also named Spears and Hollywood beauty Scarlett Johansson as contenders for the role.

Spheeris told contactmusic.com: "[Pink] would be my first choice, but she may have scheduling conflicts."

A spokesperson for Pink confirmed that "she would do just about anything to be part of that project!"

Commenting on her interest in Spears, Spheeris said: "Her agent asked if I could meet with her. Music ability is important, but most of all, the actress must have the spirit of Janis.

"Each of the actresses who has expressed interest in the role [would] bring her own special talents to the part."

Pink MIGHT...MIGHT...MIGHT be able to pull this off. However the very IDEA of Britney Spears having the "SPIRIT OF JANIS" is blasphemy worthy of Medieval Death Penalties. Britney is a little princess who was on the MICKEY FUCKING MOUSE CLUB.

At the age Britney was singing her sexy little songs, prancing around in the naughty schoolgirl outfit and telling everyone who would listen that she was a virgin, Janis was drinking whiskey in blues clubs over the Texas border. Janis was a painter, and yes, Janis was a sensitive intelligent person, but she also had more IT FACTOR in her pinky toe than that manufactured sexbot has in her entire being. Janis had the Kozmic Blues...granted, maybe Britney is suffering now being married to that wigger dirtbag, but that kind of pain can't manufacture the good stuff that Janis brought in front of the mike.

Get Festival Express and watch her performances. Now imagine Britney Spears giving that much soul to her live performances. It doesn't work, does it?

*** Interesting sidenote about Festival Express -- there's one point where there's footage of an impromptu jam session between Jerry Garcia, Janis Joplin, Bob Weir, and Rick Danko from The Band. They're all pretty blasted. They threw a handful of mescalin in a bottle of Canadian Club whiskey. Rick Danko was blasted and laughing and clapping as if he were, um...special. Janis leans over and says, "Hey, man, are you all right?" Dude, if JANIS JOPLIN thinks you are really fucked up, you have a serious problem right there.

Smells Like Some Bullshit

2006-03-31T10:24:00.000-08:00

Courtney Sells Nirvana Rights Share

Kurt Cobain's widow partners with ex-Virgin Records COO/GM to manage catalog

ONLINE EXCLUSIVE

When Nirvana singer and lead songwriter Kurt Cobain died in 1994, his widow, rocker Courtney Love, became the primary beneficiary of his estate, which includes more than ninety-eight percent of the band's publishing rights. Band members Krist Novoselic and Dave Grohl were left with part of the remainder. Now Love tells Rolling Stone that she has finally sold twenty-five percent of her share of Nirvana's sought-after publishing catalog -- to Larry Mestel of Primary Wave Music Publishing, former COO/GM of Virgin Records.

"I took on a strategic partner, Larry Mestel, to help me co-manage the estate because it was overwhelming," Love explains. "The affairs of Nirvana are so massive and so huge, and they've all fallen on my lap. I own almost all of [the publishing], . . . and it proved to be too much for me. I needed a partner to take Kurt Cobain's songs and bring them into the future and into the next generation. And this guy's the guy to do it."

Mestel says his three-month-old company, Primary Wave, is thrilled to have bought into an American musical legacy. "The appeal to me is that [Kurt was] one of the most important songwriters of his time," Mestel says. "Kurt was an incredible songwriter, and Courtney is an exceptionally talented person herself. So I felt the combination of Courtney's creativity and the things I can add can really help in creating more value for these copyrights."

Though Love and Mestel declined to comment on specifics, a source close to the deal tells Rolling Stone that Mestel has likely paid in excess of $50 million for the rights.

Exactly what the partnership will mean for the life of Nirvana's music -- including the Nineties hits "Come As You Are" and "All Apologies" -- is unclear. Thus far, the tracks have been notably absent from corporate ad campaigns and blockbuster action-movie soundtracks. The new partners are already eager to curb speculation that any of the generation-defining songs might end up in, say, a deodorant ad.

"We're going to remain very tasteful, and we're going to [retain] the spirit of Nirvana and take Nirvana places it's never been before," says Love. "My goal is to keep the music very true to who the songwriter was and what his passions and tastes would be," Mestel adds, "and to work through Courtney to figure out exactly the best way to go about exposing his music to a new youth culture to a new generation."

In other news, Love says she has entered into another partnership -- a musical one, with New York-based electronic artist Moby. According to Love, Moby has agreed to co-produce the follow-up to her 2004 effort, America's Sweetheart, which Linda Perry is also at work on. The two met up when Love was in New York last week, and ended up spending a night out with Coldplay, Arctic Monkeys and Michael Stipe.

"A long time ago, Moby was Christian, and I had this fantasy I was Mary Magdalene and he was Jesus. I've always had a little crush on him," says Love. "And I trust him. I'll talk all sort of shit, and he'll keep trying to focus me back on the music."

JOLIE LASH --- Source: Rolling Stone

Don't get me wrong...I dig Courtney Love. I empathize with her struggles and I like the two Hole albums I own. I respect that she didn't want to pimp Nirvana out to the advertisers, and I hope that the owner of the publishing continues to be true to who Nirvana was. I am one of those who believes that Kurt Cobain secretly wrote most of Live Through This with Hole. I have no evidence, of course, other than the difference in sound from Live Through This to Celebrity Skin. Pretty On the Inside sounds different from Live Though This, too. Nowhere NEAR as melodic. One thing Kurt Cobain had was a great grasp of melody in a song, even though the heavy guitar noise, he wrote songs like a craftsman. One of his bigger influences was the Beatles and it shows.

For her sake I hope her new album is REALLY great. I want it to be. I want her to be a comeback kid. While I belive Kurt helped her write Live Through This, I do NOT believe that she had anything to do with his death, despite what the conspiracy theorists say. She might be wacked, but she's not homicidal. She turns her agression on to herself.

The Seventh Seal Has Been Opened

2006-03-30T12:04:00.000-08:00

Paris Hilton recording with Three 6 Mafia
Memphis rappers say they met her at a party, are producing some tracks

The Associated Press

Updated: 5:42 p.m. ET March 29, 2006

MEMPHIS, Tenn. - Oscar-winning rappers Three 6 Mafia say they are producing and recording tracks with Paris Hilton.

“We ran into her at a William Morris Agency party and she said she liked our song ‘Stay Fly’ and asked could we work with her,” said Jordan “Juicy J” Houston, a member of the Memphis hip-hop group.

Houston said the group was in a Los Angeles recording studio Tuesday with the hotel heiress and reality TV star.

“We let her listen to a dance track and she really liked it and plans to record it tonight,” Houston told The Commercial Appeal newspaper by phone Tuesday.

He said that since the group won the Oscar for best original song for “It’s Hard out Here for a Pimp” from the film “Hustle & Flow,” they have been swamped with all sort of requests.

The trio will be back in Memphis to receive a key to the city Saturday, deemed Three 6 Mafia Day.

© 2006 The Associated Press. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.

Hmmm, let's see, we have the mumbling horsemen of the apocalypse now in cahoots WITH the Anti-Christ herself. Hunker down people, because a beast with 9 horns is going to pop out any second now.

Lyrics That Make Me CRINGE

2006-03-30T09:12:00.000-08:00

The Offender:  Lifehouse

What day is it
And in what month
This clock never seemed so alive
I can't keep up and I can't back down
I've been losing so much time

Cause it's you and me and all of the people
With nothing to do, nothing to lose
And it's you and me and all of the people and
I don't know why I can't keep my eyes off of you

All of the things that I want to say
Just aren't coming out right
I'm tripping on words, you got my head spinning
I don't know where to go from here

Cause it's you and me and all of the people
With nothing to do, nothing to prove
And it's you and me and all of the people and
I don't know why I can't keep my eyes off you

Something about you now
I can't quite figure out
Everything she does is beautiful
Everything she does is right

Cause it's you and me and all of the people
With nothing to do, nothing to lose
And it's you and me and all of the people and
I don't know why I can't keep my eyes off of

You and me and all of the people
With nothing to do, nothing to prove and
It's you and me and all of the people and
I don't know why I can't keep my eyes off of you

What day is it
And in what month
This clock never seemed so alive

"Clock never seemed so alive"????  I suppose this is supposed to be poetic but it's pathetic.  I hate this band. 
I really hate this band.  They are so insidiously bland.  How does he go from YOU to SHE? Who is he talking to?  This
was so totally phoned in, it's disgusting.

Stupid Lyrics Du Jour

2006-03-30T09:05:00.000-08:00

The OFFENDER: James Blunt

"You're Beautiful"

My life is brilliant.

My life is brilliant.
My love is pure.
I saw an angel.
Of that I'm sure.
She smiled at me on the subway.
She was with another man.
But I won't lose no sleep on that,
'Cause I've got a plan.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw your face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.

Yeah, she caught my eye,
As we walked on by.
She could see from my face that I was,
Flying high,
And I don't think that I'll see her again,
But we shared a moment that will last till the end.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw your face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
There must be an angel with a smile on her face,
When she thought up that I should be with you.
But it's time to face the truth,
I will never be with you.

His life is brilliant -- so much so he has to repeat that. His love is so pure that he's HIGH on a subway drooling over a pretty stranger.

He says he has a plan...but he never tells us what it is. He also thinks some angel thought he should be with this girl who has another boyfriend...based upon the fact that she's beautiful. He doesn't even know if she watches NASCAR -- which would be a total dealbreaker!

Kellie Pickler: Playing Dumb...or Natural Dumbass?

2006-03-30T08:54:00.000-08:00

She's nevah had SALL-mon befoah! Because we all know that North Carolina, a coastal state full of golf resorts, major metropolitan cities, Universities as well as the beautiful Smoky Mountains has absolutely NO SALMON in the state. Or do they?

David Della Terza over at "VoteForTheWorst.Com" has decided to make Kellie their new WORST contestant. Past Worsters include Jasmine Trias, Jonathan Stevens, and Scott Savol. Kevin Corvais was their VFTW posterboy until he was ousted two last week. Now it's ALL Kellie.

Kellie, Jessica Simpson called...she wants her faux ditzy blonde persona back. You're embarassing her.

Noel G from Oasis Slams the Stones

2006-03-30T07:45:00.000-08:00

Gallagher: Stones are too old

Oasis guitarist Noel Gallagher reckons The Rolling Stones are too old to be taken seriously.

The Stones have complained about the poor critical reaction to their more recent albums, but in an interview with Maxim magazine, Gallagher claimed their best work is well behind them.

He said: "The Stones said that every time they put out an album they think it's their best and they can't understand why people don't take the new records as seriously as the old ones.

"Well, you're old age pensioners. By all means make records and go on tour, because if people want to see you, fine, but don't expect to be taken seriously. Your best work is behind you."

I couldn't agree more. I am a humongous fan of the Rolling Stones. I would love to see them in concert...if I had a Time Machine. I believe that the Stones were at their best from about 1969-1975. Their last good album was Some Girls (1978), and that was an inconsistent record. Yeah, yeah Emotional Rescue, Start Me Up...WHATEVER. Emotional Rescue is a great album if you start listening to it at track *7*. Brian Jones was the innovator, and Mick Taylor kicks Ron Wood's ass. I have nothing against Ron Wood, he's just boring. Their greatest albums are:

Sticky Fingers
Exile On Main St.
Let It Bleed
Beggar's Banquet
Black And Blue
Some Girls
December's Child (And Everybody's)

(It's Only Rock & Roll and Goat's Head Soup gets honorable mentions but I don't think these albums capture the real OOMPH of the Stones like the ones above).

I didn't really dig their "psychedelic" Their Satanic Majesty's Request and there's a ton of live and "greatest hits" packages that they shelled out during that time period.

The fact that they became one of the most financially successful bands in the history of rock is why I am cynical about them today. Mick Jagger is a brilliant businessman and takes great pleasure in investing and managing money for the band. I'm sure they all would have retired years ago if it wasn't for the fact that people will still pay $200 a ticket for the cheap seats to see them.

Their new songs are unremarkable. They're too old to rock and roll and too young to die. They're not like Steve Winwood who is a country gentleman now, putzing around his large English estate raising sheep and hanging out with the grandkids. They're still trying to nail teenage models. They're in deep denial.

Come on guys...you were SO WICKED COOL THIRTY-FIVE FUCKING YEARS AGO. Write a memoir, make documentaries. Produce other artists. Play poker. But MICK, please, stop prancing around shaking your ass-- you're older than my Dad.

Here they were in their hey-day -- how cool are Keith's pants??

Here they are now -- the COOLEST AARP MEMBERS EVER:

Shakira

2006-03-30T07:13:00.000-08:00

(Source: Virgin.net)

Shakira covers her curves

Hip-wiggling babe Shakira says she is shy and prefers to cover up her famous curves.

The stunning singer insists she hides her famous body with a sarong when she hits the beach.

But the Colombian beauty told Ellen DeGeneres she shows off her body on stage and TV because she 'has to pay the bills'.

Shakira, 28, is well-known for her sexy dance routines and says her hips tell her when her band has got a good tune for her.

'When musicians ask me how something should go I always tell them my hips do not lie.'

The Grammy Award-winning singer is currently promoting her new album 'Oral Fixation'.

Shakira was on American Idol last night with Wyclef Jean doing her song "Hips Don't Lie" which is basically about how HOT she is and what a funky dancer she is. She IS a funky dancer -- she was doing some serious bellydancing moves during her performance and it's like her ribcage can move independently from the rest of her torso. She's way more fun to look at than to listen to, though...her voice has an odd nasly honking warble to it. Sometimes it's a good voice, but other times it's just...odd.

I also think she could be Ani DiFranco's embarassing tool-of-the-patriarchy little sister.