Bowling With No Panties

Everybody's a critic. I am actually right.

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

I Love This Song

Amos Lee is a groovy acoustic dude from Philadelphia. His album is mellow and great for a summer night. This song's lyrics match the plucky tune it's sung to, and I swear I think it's the theme song of my sprit.

Oh, don't be fooled by my meanness, bitchiness and overall snotty writing. I am actually quite the dewy-eyed optimist. I have to expunge all the blackness on paper in order to bop along.


BOTTOM OF THE BARRELL

I keep on laughing to keep from crying
I keep on dreaming to keep from dying
I keep on trying
Ain’t gonna stop
Get right down to the bottom of the barrel
And then you float back on top

We all know someone who’s always hurtin’
The sun is shining they draw the curtain
One thing for certain
The pain ain’t gonna stop

You get right down to the bottom of the barrel
And then you float back on top

You know the grass is always s greener in someone else’s yard
And the world is so much meaner when your heart is hard

I go out walking in any season
It could be rainin’ it could be freezin’
I don’t need no reason
It’s just so pleasing I can’t stop

You get right down to the bottom of the barrel
And then you float back on top
You get right down to the bottom of the barrel
And then you float back on top

Friday, June 16, 2006

How about a little SCHADENFREUDE FRIDAY!?!?


Welcome to another edition of Schadenfreude Friday - the day where EVERYBODY LOSES and nobody's happier about it than we are!!!!

Once again, I will step out of the realm of music to use my IMAGINATION to think of sick evil ironic things about pop culture's media DAHHHHHHHHHLINGS!

WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT IF:

Brandon Davis (he of the rich family, greasy lips, oily hair, filthy mouth, and shitty friends) went into rehab, got sober, found GOD, stayed out of the media and then after seeing a video of some other rich dude that replaced him in the Paris Hilton posse making fun of HIM and calling him "TEETOTALER" and "SOBER PANTS" and "BORING BLOWHARD" he goes on a bender drinking MD141 until his liver explodes??

We found out Penelope Cruz dumped Matthew McConughey because he's a burnt out naked bongo playing BORE who hasn't been in a decent movie in at least four years...oh wait, that's not ironic at all.

Stavros Greekheirwhatshisnameidopoupopoulis ditched both Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan for CLAY AIKEN?!?!?!?!?!

Madonna finds out that Kabballah is just some ruse created by an entire clan of con artist Jewish gypsies to get filthy rich celebrities to drink their $10 tap water in a bottle and wear a piece of red embroidery floss around their wrists? And that once a week they sit around a conference room table stroking their long long beards and brainstorming new ridiculous things they can make Madonna do and giggling like schoolgirls about the best ideas? Like wear all white? Or change your name to something old fashioned? I bet she'd rethink dumping a real quality friend like Britney Spears THEN!!! WOULDN'T YOU, MADONNA LOUISE!?!?! (P.S. I don't know why but your high cut body suits with the long sleeves really creep me out.)

Alec Baldwin started inexplicably choking and coughing? And his face turned all red from effort? And his eyes got bugged out and started to cross and he doubled over? And suddenly, like some enormous swampy hideous hairball, he coughed something the size of the Chrysler Building out?? THAT WOULD BE HIS EGO.

Nicole Richie records an album and it's actually AWESOME??

Keith Urban finds out that behind Nicole Kidman's forehead is a little dashboard and two bucket seats containing TWO ESCAPED LABRATORY MICE bent on TAKING OVER THE WORLD!?!?!?????

Thursday, June 15, 2006

Oprah Doesn't Hate Hip Hop.


Did you hear about how Ludacris and Ice Cube were all bent out of shape because they said that Oprah dissed them? Ludacris said that she edited out all the intelligent things he said on her show. Ice Cube was the only cast member from the cast of Barbershop that she didn't invite when they were on the show. Fifty Cent was saying how he's glad she doesn't like him or hip hop because the hip hop nation is not her audience anyway.

Well, Oprah can't let that stand. Oprah has to let EVERYBODY KNOW that she is a SPIRITUAL GIANT and of COURSE doesn't HATE HIP HOP.

Oprah said:
"I don't have an opinion, because I am my own person," Oprah said on the birthday party's red carpet. "I respect other people's rights to do whatever they want to do in music and art and whatever. So I am my own person, they are their own people. I respect their rights.

"I am a woman who has worked very hard for my status in the world and as a human being," she added. "I don't want to be marginalized by music or any form of art. ... I feel rap is a form of expression, as is jazz. I'm not opposed to rap. I'm opposed to being marginalized as a woman."

Is she talking about hip hop marginalizing women in general? OR is she talking about HERSELF being MARGINALIZED as a woman BY hip hop lyrics?

I heard back in the day Oprah could spit fire in a cipher. I unearthed this transcription of one such freestyle:

Uh uh uh uh
Yo, my name is Oprah call me Grand Master Ope
All my moves and lyrical flow is dope
when I'm in a prison shower I don't drop tha soap
I'll tie a noose at the end of yo mothafuckin rope
and Hang ya cuz I'd never wanna Bang ya
My man is Steadman, I don't give him Head, man
he be givin it to me, when we all alone
when I got on my ermine and be sittin on my throne
cuz I am the Queen of Daytime T. V.
tons of fat white ladies be worshipin on me
yeah, they be tellin their husbands "I won't kiss ya ass no mo
Cuz I need to Live My Best LifeTM, Oprah tole me SO"
Inspiring the whole world saying YOU GO GIRL
I build African schools, I don't tolerate no fools
Hermes tell me I can't shop aftah hours cuz I'm black
I called them bitches OUT give them Frogs some flak
Don't they know who I am? I'm the Fiercest M.C.
French scarf bitches, they should give shit to me FREE
Don't I got the prettiest clothes and hair?
I got seven stylists bitch, you just can't compare
I drag your ass on my show and make you cry on the air
I'll hand you a tissue make you think that I care

Then I use the same tissue when I'm home a-masturbatin'
sitting on my money and reading bout my ratin's
Here are some things I think are just GREAT-ah
a five hundred thousand dollar chedda cheese grate-ah
a six thousand dollar pair of bedroom slippers
seven billion dollar uranium fingernail clippers UNH
I win awards, got big mansions, got my own magazine
Producin' plays, blow up books, hit the red carpet scene
got my friends got my dogs, got my own limousine
and when you bitches piss me off I got my own guillotine
yeah, I got more power than Jesus I'm the daughter of God
everybody pay too much attention to the size of my bod
I'm just distracting everybody with my big behind
cuz I'm buying up the world and soon your ass will be mine
WHAT!?!!?!?!?!?


Wednesday, June 07, 2006

The Most Surreal Day Of My Life.

Once upon a time in the year 2001, I was living with a man who was a writer/on-air personality for a popular metropolitan radio station.

In preparation for interviewing the blaxploitation film, comedy, and kung-fu legend Rudy Ray Moore -- most widely known as the star of the film Dolomite -- said boyfriend brought home a Rudy Ray Moore BOX SET.

Let me say that after five - seven hours of the life's work of one Rudy Ray Moore I was going completely mental. I had lost all touch with modern reality and was dwelling in a world where women wore bikinis all the time, all disputes were solved with threats and then kung fu fighting, and everyone's hair had a two foot circumfrance.

In this box set were his most famous films, Dolomite, The Human Tornado, Disco Godfather, and Petey Wheatstraw, the Devil's Son In Law not to mention a live DVD of his stand-up routine and, um, singing.

Yes!! Rudy Ray Moore has released such gems as

The image “http://www.memphilter.com/blog/images/rumamo.jpg” cannot be displayed, because it contains errors.
The Rudy Ray Moore Christmas album

The image “http://www.dustygroove.com/images/products/m/moore_rudyr_eatoutmor_101b.jpg” cannot be displayed, because it contains errors.
I don't even need to comment here.
The image “http://www.townsend-records.co.uk/i/covers/6441147.jpg” cannot be displayed, because it contains errors.
Hully Gully Fever -- dig that ca-razy turban.

This day was surreal because the majority of the dialogue in Dolomite is Rudy Ray Moore speaking in rhymes to threaten whoever's ass he was about to kick.

Petey Wheatstraw, the Devil's Son In Law is the one that sticks out in my mind the most. Petey makes a deal with the devil, for what, I don't remember, and his end of it is that he's got to marry the daughter of Satan. I know some asskicking ensued. I also know that there was a huge driveby shooting outside of a church at another wedding and dead bodies just piled up on the stairs. The best was the end, when Petey lifts the veil of his bride, we don't actually see her face, but PETEY'S FACE is one of utter horror and terror -- and that's where it ended.

I don't even remember what Disco Godfather was about because by then my head was spinning with all the jive talk, afro kung fu, scantily clad karate whores, and crazy disco pimp-wear.

The main thing I remember from Dolomite is the Hamburger Pimp. He's so bad he kicks his own ass twice a day. HE wasn't scared of Dolomite. He also served Hoe-cakes. Why? Cuz Hoes gotta eat too.

What started me on this whole mental trip down wacked-out memory lane? I stumbled onto THIS(and yes, this is how my mind works. I see the below and I immediately think "cuz hoes gotta eat too."):

Hoe-Cakes

  • 2 cups corn meal

  • 1 teaspoon salt
  • 2 cups boiling water
  • oil for frying

Put the tea kettle on to boil. In a large bowl combine the corn meal and salt. When the water boils, measure it in a metal or tempered-glass measuring cup. Pour the boiling water over the cornmeal and stir it up. The cornmeal will swell up, absorbing the water, and making a very thick mash.

Heat some oil in a large skillet over medium high heat. You can use as little as two tablespoon of oil per panful, but it is a little easier to use 4 or 5 tablespoons of oil for each panful. Use your waistline and frying skill as the final judge. Now scoop up a little of the cornmeal mush (about 1/4-cup) and shape it into a patty. It will still be warm from the boiling water, so be careful not to burn yourself. You can let it cool down some more first if you like. Plop the patty into the hot fat, and get it to frying. Make some more, until you have a whole pan full. I usually cook about 4 or 5 at a time. When the underside is crispy brown, turn them and cook the other side. When both sides are crispy and brown, transfer them to a plate to keep warm, and start another batch. This recipe makes about 12 hoe cakes.

Originally, Native Americans cooked these on hot rocks in an open fire. They were commonly referred to as Ash Cakes. Later on, settlers from Europe adopted the recipe, cooking the cakes on the blades of their hoes in the fireplace. This is where they get the name, "Hoe Cakes". Of all the recipes in my collection, this one is the oldest, the cheapest, and just about the tastiest of all. Serve Hoe Cakes with as a bread, or by themselves for breakfast with maple syrup or molasses. They also make a nice accompaniment to main meals, especially when fried in margarine. In the summertime, when you want a hot bread, but don't want to heat up the oven, this is the best choice. They cook right on top of the stove, without heating up the entire house. Good for camping and back packing too.


Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Another Fine Musician Joined The Choir Invisible


Singer-songwriter Billy Preston dies at 59

By BOB CHRISTIE, Associated Press Writer 9 minutes ago

Billy Preston, the exuberant keyboardist who landed dream gigs with the Beatles and the Rolling Stones and enjoyed his own series of hit singles including "Outta Space" and "Nothing From Nothing," died Tuesday at 59.

Preston's longtime manager, Joyce Moore, said Preston had been in a coma since November in a care facility and was taken to a Scottsdale hospital Saturday after his condition deteriorated.

"He had a very, very beautiful last few hours and a really beautiful passing," Moore said by telephone from Germany.

Preston had battled chronic kidney failure, and he received a kidney transplant in 2002. But the kidney failed and he has been on dialysis ever since, Moore said earlier this year.

Known for his big smile and towering Afro, Preston was a teen prodigy on the piano and organ, and lent his gospel-tinged touch to classics such as the Beatles' "Get Back" and the Stones' "Can't You Hear Me Knocking?"

He broke out as a solo artist in the 1970s, winning a best instrumental Grammy in 1973 for "Outta Space," and scoring other hits with "Will It Go 'Round In Circles," "Nothing From Nothing" and "With You I'm Born Again," a duet with Syreeta Wright. He also wrote Joe Cocker's weeper "You Are So Beautiful."

Other career highlights included being a musical guest, in 1975, on the debut of "Saturday Night Live"; having a song named after him, by Miles Davis; and appearing last year on "American Idol." Among his film credits: "Blues Brothers 2000" and "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band."

His partnership with the Beatles began in early 1969 when friend George Harrison recruited him to play on "Let It Be," a back-to-basics film and record project that nearly broke down because of feuding among band members. Harrison himself quit at one point, walking out on camera after arguing with Paul McCartney.

Preston not only inspired the Beatles to get along — Harrison likened his effect to a feuding family staying on its best behavior in front of a guest — but contributed a light, bluesy solo to "Get Back," performing the song with the band on its legendary "roof top" concert, the last time the Beatles played live. He was one of many sometimes labeled "The Fifth Beatle," a title he did not discourage.

Preston remained close to Harrison and performed at Harrison's all-star charity event "The Concert for Bangladesh," and at the "Concert for George," a tribute to Harrison, who died of cancer in 2001. He played on solo records by Harrison, Ringo Starr and John Lennon.

Preston also toured and recorded extensively with the Rolling Stones, playing on such classic albums as "Sticky Fingers" and "Exile on Main Street." In the mid-'70s, he parted from the Stones, reportedly unhappy over not getting proper credit for "Melody" and other songs, but reunited with the band in 1997 on its "Bridges to Babylon" record.

His sessions credits included Aretha Franklin's "Young, Gifted and Black," Bob Dylan's "Blood on the Tracks" and Sly and Family Stone's "There's a Riot Goin' On," three of the most acclaimed albums of the past 35 years.

"His legacy is so huge I don't even know where to start," Moore said. "It's many genres, so many years. ... It's rock 'n' roll, it's soul, it's funk, it's everything. He was truly, truly, truly a genius."

A Houston native who soon moved to Los Angeles when his parents split up, Preston was in and around show business for much of his life. He was taking piano lessons at age 3 and was just 10 when he played keyboards for gospel singer Mahalia Jackson.

Two years later he portrayed a young W. C. Handy in the 1958 biopic "St. Louis Blues." He toured with mentors and fellow piano greats Ray Charles and Little Richard in the early 1960s, first encountering the Beatles while on the road in Germany.

Exposed to drugs and alcohol early on, Preston had numerous personal troubles in recent years. In 1992, he was given a suspended jail sentence, but ordered incarcerated for nine months at a drug rehabilitation center for his no-contest pleas to cocaine and assault charges. Five years later, he was sentenced to three years in prison for violating probation. In 1998, he pleaded guilty to insurance fraud and agreed to testify against other defendants in an alleged scam that netted about $1 million.

"It (jail) was a great lesson, an awakening. I needed to reflect, to get rid of some of the dead weight around me," he later said. "You take the bitter with the sweet and I have to say it was my faith that kept me going. I had nothing else to fall back on."

Friday, June 02, 2006

It's Schadenfreude Friday Here at BWNP!!!!!!!


Welcome to SCHADENFREUDE FRIDAY the day that EVERYBODY LOSES and nobody's happier about it than we are! Let us rub our palms briskly together and twirl our moustaches and chortle with evil glee!

Today I am going to use my
IMAGINATION and move out of the realm of music and think of sick evil ironic things about pop culture's media darlings of today.

WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT IF....

Katie Holmes took Suri and ran and then wrote a huge tell-all talking about Tom Crusie's unnatural love for fish no matter how much he tried to E-Meter it out of his soul? (
"Gay? I wish! If I were gay there'd be no problem!")

The teenage Shiloh Jolie-Pitt was a huge racist and joined a white supremacy group or even WORSE was like, ugly?

Nick Lachey becomes a multi-grammy winning success, has beautiful women throwing themselves at him while Jessica Simpson -- bombed actress, her records all bricks -- sits home alone in sweatpants eating New York Super Fudge Chunk and cries while watching reruns of the Newlyweds?

Pete Doherty died...and it didn't make him a mythical figure of rock -- just another stupid dead junkie?

Wilbur Valderama sees his fondest wish come to fruition -- a remake of CHiPs with him in the starring role of PONCH -- and he's forever typecast as a short dumb Latin weenie no matter how many hot young chicks he bangs?

Lindsay Lohan, after such promise as an actress, ends up in Lifetime movies like, "Mother, May I Marry This Abusive Womanizing Douchebag Who Will Try To Kill Me?"

Jennifer Aniston's "movie career" totally bombs AND she doesn't have any babies which means she sacrificed a family with Brad and Brad himself for NOTHING?? AND she has to watch him galvanting around the world with his huge patchwork quilt family of children from all kind of cultures while she does a hair care line for QVC?

Ashlee Simpson fixed her nose, went back to blonde, and will probably get a boob job, and she still manages to be less hot, talented, or as successful as her vaccuous sister causing her to get all "Whatever Happened to Baby Jane" on Jessica and joining her in sweats on the couch. Jessica will say, "If only I wasn't such a huge bimbo banking on my youth and beauty for fame! IF only I had stayed married to the only guy who would put up with my whiny bratty ways! If I only I wasn't so stupid." and Ashlee will stand up and shriek, "BUT YOU AHHHHH, JessicaYOU AAAAHHHHH STUUUUUUUPPPPIIIIDDD!" and Jessica will slap her with her ice cream spoon?

Plum Sykes was struck with instant and permanent writer's block AND her colorist moves to Nepal?

Katie Couric has the lowest ratings because nobody believes a word she says since she's too perky to have any gravitas, and her only fans are the ones sending their pictures into Willard Scott to give them a shout out for being centenarians?

That's all for today folks!! Of course, because only the good die young, God laughs when you make plans, and nice guys finish last, none of the above will actually ever happen, but MAN oh, MANISCHIEWICZ it's sure fun to think about.