Bowling With No Panties

Everybody's a critic. I am actually right.

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

I've Bitten My Tongue About This Long Enough

Fergie says, "Are you ready for this?"

The answer is, "NO! And I NEVER will be."

The Black Eyed Peas used to be a relatively respectable underground hip hop group of the "backpacker" variety. You know, good beats, good flow, thoughtful lyrics.

I don't know whose brilliant idea it was to drag this incontinent transexual plastic surgery victim into the group and Pop it up. Perhaps they wanted more money -- her singing voice isn't all bad.

Fergie is a Monet. From far away she's pretty attractive but get close up and she's a hot mess. As a friend of mine would say, she's good from afar, but far from good. Musically, she sings on key and sometimes actually sounds pretty good, depending on the song. She added a different element to the Black Eyed Peas and I guess the pop consumer spoke and found it good because that record sold like hotcakes. She was on that Kids, Incorporated show, pimped out by her parents. I don't know where they found her or how they dug her up and frankly I don't care enough to check Wikipedia to find out.

SO fine, the Black Eyed Peas in their new formation crossed over and has become a popular mainstream act. Fergie must have added to the appeal.


Yet...who the hell told this girl she needed a solo record? She can't rap. I hope to God that she didn't actually write the lyrics for the lyrical abomination that is "London Bridge". I will admit I kind of enjoy the beat, and the video is amusing to watch for it's incongruency.

Here's "The Dutchess" (cute album title considering the whole "Fergie" thing, yeah, Fergie, I get it! You're like that chick, Fergie, who was the Dutchess of York for five minutes before shilling for Weight Watchers! HA HA you're WITTY!) cavorting with two Chollas in -- London. Wouldn't it have been more authentic to dig up some Chavs?

She dry humps a Buckingham Palace guard who ignores her, then she struts around some Country Club in a very short dress after pretending to get gangsta with the paparazzi (which of course she must pretend to do considering how she'd DIE without their attention) then flirts with some butler with a vaguely Jamaican-affected rap before rolling around on a pool table, chin-implant front and center while attempting to "la la la" girlishly before getting back to her badass rap.

"How come every time you come around
my London London Bridge wanna go down like
London London LONDON wanna go down like
London London we wanna go down"

I must be really uncool and un-hep wit the new lingo. What is the London Bridge? Is it her zipper? Is it her panties? Is it the actual act of oral sex? Is it a new dance move? I just don't know. This must be one of those codes that I won't be able to figure out because I'm out of the demographic chronologically.

Nor am I sure I want to.

Which is why I hate the fact that I can't get this catchy-ass idiotic song out of my head. DAMN YOU TO HELL, STACY FERGUSON!!


  • At 6:32 AM, Blogger Spill The Beans said…

    I can't help liking the black-eyed peas. They get under my skin like chiggers.

  • At 2:24 PM, Anonymous knotted knickers said…

    Heh. Sounds like the radio ban hasn't been working so well.

  • At 7:31 PM, Blogger Fairmaiden327 said…

    When confronted by strangers and friends alike I would rather get knocked out cold than admit I dance to this at home, alone, while lip-synching, albeit much much better than Asshole Simpson.

  • At 8:16 AM, Blogger Graham Powell said…

    Great post!

    I totally agree.

    even though "the peas" are a bit of a guilty pleasure for me!

    my band mates always tease me about how LAME they are, so now i just listen to them when i'm alone!

    nice reading your blog!



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