Bowling With No Panties

Everybody's a critic. I am actually right.

Thursday, July 06, 2006

Disgusted With The Wayans Brothers

I must not be the target demographic for this new cinematic abortion titled "Little Man" spewed forth from the Wayans' Brothers. The reason why is that I am old enough to remember the FIRST TIME I saw this movie, when it was a FRIGGIN' BUGS BUNNY CARTOON!!

How could I ever forget Baby Face Finster? The clips I've seen on the trailer all include classic bits from that brilliant cartoon.

Cute baby in a bonnet in a basket at the doorstep? Check.
"Peekaboo" to the frying pan in the face?Check.
Seeing said baby standing on a stool and smoking a cigar while shaving?? CHECK CHECK CHECK.

Don't get me wrong -- "Don't Be A Menace In South Central While Drinkin' Your Juice In The Hood" was brilliant. It was a spoof of all those dramatic "boyz n da hood" movies hollywood was cranking out so that Whitey could see how the hip hop nation "really lived" (which cracks me up because all the black kids I knew growing up lived in raised ranches in the 'burbs and never even saw a gun). Such OBVIOUS exploitation needed exploiting and the Wayans did that with tongue firmly in cheek. Who can forget Keenan screaming, "MESSAGE!!" just in case y'all missed it?

Speaking of Keenan, "I'm Gonna Git You Sucka" is another brilliant comedic work. So smart and funny!

So WHY on GOD'S GREEN EARTH are they attempting to turn a 9 minute cartoon into a two hour movie? Have they run out of good ideas? Did they get a little potted one night, saw it and said, 'Yyyeeeahh, man, that would be, like, FUNNY!"

Can't these filmmakers LEAVE THE CLASSICS ALONE!!! They are classics for a REASON. They were funny in particular because of the place and time in which they were created, and they are classic because at the same time, they are timeless and universally funny. HOWEVER, updating things like:

The Pink Panther
The Dukes of Hazard
Bewitched
Cheaper By The Dozen
The Omen
Starsky & Hutch

IS NEVER A GOOD IDEA! NEVER! Sure, some of the YOUNGER GENERATION who had only heard of the originals or seen them because of older relatives might check it out, or even the dumbasses of Generation X in a mistaken wave of nostalgia, but PEOPLE, THIS HAS GOT TO STOP!!!

I refuse to see these movies, the trailers themselves leave me colder than a penguin's balls. Damien coming down the hall on a RAZOR SCOOTER!?! Jessica Simpson, a STUPID BLONDE as Daisy Duke? Catherine Bach may have had a southern accent, but anyone who watched that show with ferocious regularity like I did KNEW that DAISY was the brains of the whole operation. I don't even have to comment on the Pink Panther because those movies were fabulous because of the TIME they were made. Updating the Pink Panther to NOW? Throwing in BEYONCE? Give me a humongous BREAK.

I know it's not about a lack of talent out there. There are people writing original movies that are fantastic -- Transamerica, being one of them. There are also people writing adaptations of good books, which at least is a movie based upon something original and not a pathetic retread of an old semi-cheesy TV series, a fantastic movie that did not NEED an update, or a Bugs Bunny cartoon.

Bugs Bunny taught me everything I know about comedy AND classical music/jazz at the same time. I learned that if you want someone to get blown up, you throw him in the stove and then tell the cop that if your friend Rocky was in the stove, would you turn on the gas...like THIS? I learned that the forest might be dug up around you and replaced with high rises, your rabbit-hole planted in a large planter, but that if you want to take over the townhouse, all you have to do is be relentlessly annoying. I learned that science experiments were best tested on OTHERS than yourself, and that playing the piano like Liberace could halt a crazed Mr. Hyde in his tracks long enough for you to brain him.

Please, Wayans' Brothers, I implore you. Stick to smart subtle social commentary through your original films. Leave Bugs alone. The inevitible comparision will kneecap you, or at least bash you over the head with a frying pan.

4 Comments:

  • At 7:02 AM, Blogger Maulleigh said…

    There are many reasons for remakes. one is it's an easy buck. I do think that youth tends to be inspired. I'm gonna get you sucka was roll-on-the-floor funny. But now the Wayans have got big homes with mortgages and baby mama drama and they gotta crank out some piece of sh*t in order to pay for the lifestyle. They take one look at the crap that Adam Sandler spews forth every month and it doesn't seem that bad in comparison.

     
  • At 8:05 AM, Blogger copyranter said…

    I thought "Click" was the end of civilization. No, we've still got a fair way down the path to traverse.

     
  • At 12:30 PM, Blogger El Padrino said…

    I agree.
    Enough with the remakes. Unfortunately this won't stop. They make money on these movies and unless they don't make money it wont stop. Although Pink Panther flopped like a Divac.

     
  • At 8:24 PM, Blogger concha said…

    wasn't this a skit on in living color? i somehow remember watching it in the 6th grade. and surely you saw the south park about the very same subject...

     

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