Bowling With No Panties

Everybody's a critic. I am actually right.

Friday, June 02, 2006

It's Schadenfreude Friday Here at BWNP!!!!!!!


Welcome to SCHADENFREUDE FRIDAY the day that EVERYBODY LOSES and nobody's happier about it than we are! Let us rub our palms briskly together and twirl our moustaches and chortle with evil glee!

Today I am going to use my
IMAGINATION and move out of the realm of music and think of sick evil ironic things about pop culture's media darlings of today.

WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT IF....

Katie Holmes took Suri and ran and then wrote a huge tell-all talking about Tom Crusie's unnatural love for fish no matter how much he tried to E-Meter it out of his soul? (
"Gay? I wish! If I were gay there'd be no problem!")

The teenage Shiloh Jolie-Pitt was a huge racist and joined a white supremacy group or even WORSE was like, ugly?

Nick Lachey becomes a multi-grammy winning success, has beautiful women throwing themselves at him while Jessica Simpson -- bombed actress, her records all bricks -- sits home alone in sweatpants eating New York Super Fudge Chunk and cries while watching reruns of the Newlyweds?

Pete Doherty died...and it didn't make him a mythical figure of rock -- just another stupid dead junkie?

Wilbur Valderama sees his fondest wish come to fruition -- a remake of CHiPs with him in the starring role of PONCH -- and he's forever typecast as a short dumb Latin weenie no matter how many hot young chicks he bangs?

Lindsay Lohan, after such promise as an actress, ends up in Lifetime movies like, "Mother, May I Marry This Abusive Womanizing Douchebag Who Will Try To Kill Me?"

Jennifer Aniston's "movie career" totally bombs AND she doesn't have any babies which means she sacrificed a family with Brad and Brad himself for NOTHING?? AND she has to watch him galvanting around the world with his huge patchwork quilt family of children from all kind of cultures while she does a hair care line for QVC?

Ashlee Simpson fixed her nose, went back to blonde, and will probably get a boob job, and she still manages to be less hot, talented, or as successful as her vaccuous sister causing her to get all "Whatever Happened to Baby Jane" on Jessica and joining her in sweats on the couch. Jessica will say, "If only I wasn't such a huge bimbo banking on my youth and beauty for fame! IF only I had stayed married to the only guy who would put up with my whiny bratty ways! If I only I wasn't so stupid." and Ashlee will stand up and shriek, "BUT YOU AHHHHH, JessicaYOU AAAAHHHHH STUUUUUUUPPPPIIIIDDD!" and Jessica will slap her with her ice cream spoon?

Plum Sykes was struck with instant and permanent writer's block AND her colorist moves to Nepal?

Katie Couric has the lowest ratings because nobody believes a word she says since she's too perky to have any gravitas, and her only fans are the ones sending their pictures into Willard Scott to give them a shout out for being centenarians?

That's all for today folks!! Of course, because only the good die young, God laughs when you make plans, and nice guys finish last, none of the above will actually ever happen, but MAN oh, MANISCHIEWICZ it's sure fun to think about.




2 Comments:

  • At 2:12 PM, Blogger Maulleigh said…

    I love Schadenfreude Friday!! I wish Schadenfreude Friday was EVERY DAY!!

    Do you think that jennifer Aniston might be sterile? If so BRAD PITT SUCKS SO FUCKING BAD!! I mean, didn't she have an interview where she said they did it all the time to get her pregnant. That makes me sad. And she should study Meg Ryan becasue that will be her in 4 short years. Man: hollywood is CRUEL!! I'm on Team Aniston; I was on Team Jolie for awhile because I ACTUALLY THOUGHT SHE AND BRAD WERE JUST FRIENDS!!!

     
  • At 6:23 AM, Blogger Maulleigh said…

    Three more days till next Schadenfreude Friday!!

     

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