Bowling With No Panties

Everybody's a critic. I am actually right.

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Worst Songs Ever

There are a few places online where you can find compiled lists of the worst songs ever.

I think one of the easiest ways to find your own ideas is to listen to AOL Radio's XM decade channels at work. That's what I do. Suddenly a song that had traumatized me many years ago that I had blocked completely from my memory will come up and I'll be traumatized anew. This happened this morning with "Kiss On My List". GOD ALMIGHTY, I HATE THAT SONG.

I do NOT, however, hate Hall and Oates. They had some pretty decent tunes in their prime. That one annoyed the crap out of me as well as "Maneater".

Here are a random sampling of ten of the worst songs EVER in my book -- granted, I will say that this list IS subjective because some of these songs are associated with PEOPLE that I totally despise, be them the singer or just random folks in my life who LOVED the singer or whatever.

10. Everything I Do (I Do It For You) - Bryan Adams -- I can't tell you, my readers, how deeply and purely I hate Kevin Costner. I despise that fuckwad so much that I can't look at his face without wanting to claw my own eyes out. I won't do that because I refuse to have the memory of my last sight being HIS smug mug. Pretentious git! Stupid jackass, jerking off during a massage and a swanky hotel...UH, KEVIN...WRONG kind of massage, eh? NO happy endings for him!!! PIG. This song, on it's OWN is schmaltzy and nauseating but it's association with the cinematic ABORTION that "Robin Hood" was just adds to its overall suckiness.

9. Let Her Cry -- Hootie and the Blowfish -- Hootie is what was wrong with "mainstream" rock in the 90's.

8. Red, White, and Blue -- Lynryd Skynyrd (or what's left of them) -- These lyrics deserve a posting all their own but I can't even dignify that. Google them. They blow. I despise patriotism as a desperate marketing tool for a band that peaked over 30 years ago. Trying to claim that they're "just like us" and working class when they've been coasting on royalties and the occasional pathetic tour is such unbelieveable horseshit.

7. ANYTHING by John Mayer -- he can play guitar but I hate his freakin' voice and his lyrics are "special" if you know what I mean. He is doing what he thinks high school girls thinks is sexy...he's creepy.

6. Stop For Love -- Luther Vandross -- I hate this song because it reminds me of my college roommate freshman year who was a pure midwestern princess...of DARKNESS. Everything she wore had to coordinate to the EARRINGS. Royal BLUE was her favorite color. She made SpaghettiOs in a hot pot and then let it rot until our room reeked of canned processed tomato sauce. She insisted on a humidifer which left a cloudly film on ALL of our belongings and turned our room into a tropical rainforest. She also LOVED the Luther Vandross album that featured "Stop For Love" as its first single. She played this song over and over and over and over and over and over again.

5. Danger Zone -- Kenny Loggins -- This is also a repetition issue. First, in college, two girls who lived down the hall were OBSESSED with both Tom Cruise and this soundtrack. I also hate "Take My Breath Away" for the same reason however it's not as odious as THIS song which is MORE associated with "Top Gun" to me than the Berlin ballad. Not only did I suffer the endless repetition and overall suckiness of THIS horrible song from an even WORSE movie, but my younger sister LOVED this movie so much that when I came home from work (she was still in high school) she would be watching this movie. EVERY DAY. It was only supplanted by Dirty Dancing, which leads me to:

4. She's Like The Wind -- Patrick Swayze -- I believe in this simple rule of thumb. Singers who move into acting are usually pretty good actors. Actors who decide they're rock stars and cut an album??? SUCK MAJOR GOAT BALLS. I am talking to you, Lindsay Lohan. I am also talking to Eddie Murphy, Don Johnson, Jack Wagner, Jennifer Lopez, and William Shatner. It's a rumor in the record biz that J.Lo could attribute her voice to major studio wizardry and a little ghost singer called...ASHANTI. I digress... this song is so pathetic I don't even need to lay out why.

3. I Don't Want To Miss A Thing -- Aerosmith -- When I hear the opening strains of this song I slam my radio button to the point that I could break speed records. Diane Warren is evil and must be destroyed. She sits in her labratory concoting infectious pop songs with heinously cliched hooky lyrics that sink into the brain like the chains of the Cenobites and pull the gray matter into mushy chunks that render one to sing along in a flat zombified fashion. She also compels people to purchase her work making her one hell of a wealthy woman. The fact that Aerosmith were once bad ass rock stars reduced to singing formulaic whiny ballads written by a bitter lesbian on a battered upright in New Jersey makes me want to vomit all over Steven Tyler's scarf-adorned mike stand.

2. ANYTHING by the Spin Doctors -- This band is the SUCKIEST SUCK that has EVER SUCKED!!! The local "Classic Rock" radio station INSISTS on playing their only two hits. I cannot for the life of me fathom who on EARTH liked this band or why. I actually know someone who used to bang the drummer and SHE even hated their music. I guess they had some kind of psilocybin scene that this person was also way into so I suspect that blasted on mushrooms that she could make herself get naked with that drummer despite the unbelievable amount of suckiness he inflicted on the world with his compatriots. I would like to pimp-slap the lead singer across the face until my hand goes numb. Even then, I wouldn't be satisfied. I'm so glad that they have decided to stop pumping SUCKAGE into our environment. The Spin Doctors going away quietly would be the truest act of kindness to me that anyone had ever performed. I thank them.

1. Morning Train (9 to 5) -- Sheena Easton -- I do not find Sheena Easton offensive in general, but this song is like fingernails on the chalkboard of my soul. I hate the melody, I hate the verse, I hate the lyrics. Sheena, how about YOU get a job, pick up a check once in a while? Oh that's right, you're SCOTTISH. Notoriously cheap. I can say that because my great-grandmother was from Scotland and that bitch didn't work either.

There are many more songs that I hate, and like I said, these are not in order of suckage -- they ALL SUCK EQUALLY. This ten was just a random sampling. Feel free to let me know which songs YOU think suck that I didn't mention.


  • At 8:12 AM, Blogger The Humanity Critic said…

    Wow, those are definitely some great choices.

  • At 8:14 AM, Anonymous Crossover said…

    Are you kidding me? How could you not list Celine Dion's "My Heart Will Go On" The Pointer Sisters, Neutron Dance" the Vanilla Ice catalog and my favorte piece of crap, The Superbowl Shuffle?

  • At 4:37 PM, Blogger bowling with no panties said…

    "my Heart Will Go On" does not offend me. OF course, I'm also the one who leaned against the back of the seat in front of me in the theater the day I saw the Titanic and SOBBED. I also cried retelling a part of the movie to my ex...c'est vrai? Celine in general offends me -- the stuck-up horse faced sternum punching grandpa marrying Cannuk -- but I don't hate that song.

  • At 10:26 AM, Blogger Maulleigh said…

    JAHEIM ยป Beauty And A Thug Lyrics

    This is the worst song I've ever heard. Wendy Williams got an advanced copy and played it on her show and i thought, "This is one of the most horrible things I've ever heard!! Please don't make this a hit!" and Wendy said she liked it but I NEVER HEARD IT ON THE RADIO AGAIN THANK GOD!!

    That, and DANCE WITH MY FATHER AGAIN makes me hurl. Also the "song" on Universal mother where Sinead O'connor "raps" about ireland. Nothing makes me throw myself across the room faster to hit the 'skip' button then that.


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