Bowling With No Panties

Everybody's a critic. I am actually right.

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

The Unsexiest Men in Music

The Phoenix recently published a list of the 100 unsexiest guys in the world. This was not a general poll and was in fact selected by their staff. There were few surprises near the top of the list but I wanted to list only the musicians/singers that they noted here, with their comments and then mine. Because it's a beautiful world when a blog critic can critique a criticism! My comments are in lovely cornflower blue.

1. Chad Kroeger: It's not just the massive head, weird face, and bad hair. It's also the fact that he's in Nickelback, the worst band since the dawn of music. There's no way that this guy is LESS sexy than Michael Jackson. No way. This guy looks like he'd like some pussy. Not pubescent boy butt.

Mike Mills: You'd want to talk music with the bassist from REM. Sleep with? Not unless you're trying to get to Pete Buck.
HE is less sexy than Michael Jackson?? Come ON! He's endearing. I'd nail him before I'd nail Michael Stipe.

Michael Jackson: What happens when an ugly JC Penny manequin has sex with Pogo, the clown identity of serial killer John Wayne Gacy. The words "sexy" should not be in any sentance that contains the words Michael Jackson. I feel really sorry for him because it's obvious that he had a horrific childhood of exploitation and God only knows what else but he is past the point of healing from it and went straight into butterfly-net territory. To quote a friend, this guy is baking cookies in his head.

Mike D. of the Beastie Boys: We hate to do this. But the sickly looking Beastie "did it like this, did it like that, did it with a wiffle ball bat . . . because no one would want to get within three feet of him naked. Mike has no business on this list. He's a BEASTIE BOY for God's sake!

Raffi: Maybe it's his proffession. But no one surveyed, man or woman, could think of any situation in which they would bed down with him. This guy doesn't even have a penis. He has a smooth round bump like a Ken doll.

Paul Shaffer: The bic'd look does not work for everyone, plus he makes all those crazy faces while he plays. I object to his attire more than his odd looks. However he looks like the baby buzzard from the old Bugs Bunny cartoon, you know the one, the one where "my mama done told bring home the dinner" --- doesn't he?

Axl Rose: I mean . . . did you see the 2003 VMAs? Once upon a time this guy was a seriously hot piece of ass. Sure, Axl Au Courant is all puffy and shiny and bald and Kurtz in Apocalypse Now, but still, they should have had respect for Vintage Axl.

Gerard Way (from My Chemical Romance): Luckiest dude since Ringo. Or at the very least, since D12. I'm not a fan, but he's kind of got a babyface and reminds me of this Brit dude I nailed once in a cemetary.

Scott Stapp I would make this guy #1 -- not only is he insufferable as a "Christian" but he's worse as a totally wasted blowjob homemade porno star loser who has to hire a "sobriety coach" to watch this GROWN ASS MAN and father every second of the day to make sure he isn't pouring intoxicants into himself. He also got so wasted at his own wedding he got arrested before he could get off the plane for his honeymoon. This guy is a complete tool.

Lyle Lovett I heartily disagree. The staff of Phoenix have OBVIOUSLY never seen this man live. He is so talented, charming, down to earth, and his own person that I COMPLETELY see why Julia Roberts married him. He probably wouldn't make my top ten sexiest list but he'd be number 11.

11. Ric Ocasek: Yes, we know who his wife is. And no, we don't care. He's definitely goofy looking, and super skinny. His wife is dead sexy.

12. Bill Wyman Yes, this guy is nasty. He was nasty when he was young and not a borderline pedophile marrying barely legal teens.

13. Clay Aiken: This feels like a cheap shot, but even leaving aside the rumors about his personal life, he still looks like someone's bratty little brother. He's a rat-faced boy. However there's something about him that is like catnip to middle aged asexual women who wear elastic waisted pants and have short frosted brown hair. If you ever read his fan site's message boards you would see what I mean. They write stories -- sort of like romance novels -- starring THEM and CLAY AIKEN as their romantic lead. They're frighteningly icky. I posted a poem on one such board containing a line like "My forearms are thicker than your thighs" and I was summarily banned for life.

John Popper -- Alright, the dude was hugely fat. I heard he got the gastric bypass, however he is one talented mofo and if talent counts for anything he should be way lower.

15. Meat Loaf Aday Poor Meat Loaf. Another really talented guy penalized by his girth. He and Popper both have very pleasant faces.

16. Joe Walsh He's a cool dude, but sexy, he is not.

17. Art Garfunkel They saw fit not to comment, and I guess I don't have to either.

18. Lemmy Kilmister: Sadly, the ravages of time have not been kind to him. Sadly, youth wasn't very kind to him either.

19. Richie "La Bamba" Rosenberg This man has a frightening combover.

20. Kevin Federline
: Mooching hicks aren't so hot these days. He shouldn't be on this list. Not because he's not unsexy, because he is TOTALLY unsexy, but he is NO KIND OF MUSICIAN! If I were Britney Spears I would move to Bahrain and live next door to Michael Jackson because she has now made a complete joke of her life marrying this tool.


  • At 8:52 AM, Blogger Evil Discussor said…

    I don't know. If forced to choose, I'd rather canoodle with sweet little Mike Jackson than be eaten alive by crazy, wolfen, gnarly-teethed, horse-mouthed Chad Kroewhateverthefuck.

    Besides. MJ can still moonwalk like a mofo. And that's pretty damn sexy.

  • At 10:22 AM, Blogger Maulleigh said…

    I agree with you about the Beastie boys: I'm three input for all of 'em. Anytime! Sabotage is one of the SEXIEST SONGS EVER and every time I hear it I wanna get busy with some hot skater dude!

  • At 8:07 AM, Blogger Slinky Redfoot said…

    Mark Knophler of dire straits. Unsexy last name amplifies effect.
    Bono is also pretty damn ugly, especially without the shades. word.


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