Bowling With No Panties

Everybody's a critic. I am actually right.

Friday, March 31, 2006

GREAT Lyrics

The Craftswoman: Joni Mitchell

The last time I saw Richard was Detroit in ’68,
And he told me all romantics meet the same fate someday
Cynical and drunk and boring someone in some dark cafe

You laugh, he said you think you’re immune,
Go look at your eyes
They’re full of moon
You like roses and kisses and pretty men to tell you
All those pretty lies, pretty lies
When you gonna realise they’re only pretty lies
Only pretty lies, just pretty lies

He put a quarter in the wurlitzer, and he pushed
Three buttons and the thing began to whirr
And a bar maid came by in fishnet stockings and a bow tie
And she said drink up now it’s gettin’ on time to close.

Richard, you haven’t really changed, I said
It’s just that now you’re romanticizing some pain that’s in your head
You got tombs in your eyes, but the songs
You punched are dreaming
Listen, they sing of love so sweet, love so sweet
When you gonna get yourself back on your feet?
Oh and love can be so sweet, love so sweet

Richard got married to a figure skater
And he bought her a dishwasher and a coffee percolator
And he drinks at home now most nights with the tv on
And all the house lights left up bright

I’m gonna blow this damn candle out
I don’t want nobody comin’ over to my table
I got nothing to talk to anybody about
All good dreamers pass this way some day
Hidin’ behind bottles in dark cafes
Dark cafes
Only a dark cocoon before I get my gorgeous wings
And fly away
Only a phase, these dark cafe days

Objectionable Lyrics

Offender: Kelly Clarkson

"Because Of You"

I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
Cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did,
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way
To never let it get that far

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid

Because of you
Because of you

Kelly, Kelly, Kelly! Are you the same girl that was going to make a wish, take a chance and break away? Now you're too scared and screwed up because of someone else? You won't cry because you're afraid they'll think you're weak? What the hell? Is this about a parent? If they were dying and crying every night and you're crying for the same thing is it because you're dying?

Mostly I find this offensive because I believe in taking personal responisbility for your feelings. Blaming your agoraphobia, emtpy life, and rigid adherence to one side of the sidewalk smacks of a victim mentality. Go ahead girl, cross that street.


Pink and Britney duel for Joplin role

Pop stars Pink and Britney Spears are set to battle it out for the chance to play the role of Janis Joplin in an upcoming biopic of the legendary blues singer's life, titled 'The Gospel According To Janis'.

Director Penelope Spheeris has reportedly met with Pink, Zooey Deschanel and 'Mean Girls' star Lindsay Lohan in connection with the biopic but has also named Spears and Hollywood beauty Scarlett Johansson as contenders for the role.

Spheeris told "[Pink] would be my first choice, but she may have scheduling conflicts."

A spokesperson for Pink confirmed that "she would do just about anything to be part of that project!"

Commenting on her interest in Spears, Spheeris said: "Her agent asked if I could meet with her. Music ability is important, but most of all, the actress must have the spirit of Janis.

"Each of the actresses who has expressed interest in the role [would] bring her own special talents to the part."

Pink MIGHT...MIGHT...MIGHT be able to pull this off. However the very IDEA of Britney Spears having the "SPIRIT OF JANIS" is blasphemy worthy of Medieval Death Penalties. Britney is a little princess who was on the MICKEY FUCKING MOUSE CLUB.

At the age Britney was singing her sexy little songs, prancing around in the naughty schoolgirl outfit and telling everyone who would listen that she was a virgin, Janis was drinking whiskey in blues clubs over the Texas border. Janis was a painter, and yes, Janis was a sensitive intelligent person, but she also had more IT FACTOR in her pinky toe than that manufactured sexbot has in her entire being. Janis had the Kozmic Blues...granted, maybe Britney is suffering now being married to that wigger dirtbag, but that kind of pain can't manufacture the good stuff that Janis brought in front of the mike.

Get Festival Express and watch her performances. Now imagine Britney Spears giving that much soul to her live performances. It doesn't work, does it?

*** Interesting sidenote about Festival Express -- there's one point where there's footage of an impromptu jam session between Jerry Garcia, Janis Joplin, Bob Weir, and Rick Danko from The Band. They're all pretty blasted. They threw a handful of mescalin in a bottle of Canadian Club whiskey. Rick Danko was blasted and laughing and clapping as if he were, um...special. Janis leans over and says, "Hey, man, are you all right?" Dude, if JANIS JOPLIN thinks you are really fucked up, you have a serious problem right there.

Smells Like Some Bullshit

Courtney Sells Nirvana Rights Share

Kurt Cobain's widow partners with ex-Virgin Records COO/GM to manage catalog


When Nirvana singer and lead songwriter Kurt Cobain died in 1994, his widow, rocker Courtney Love, became the primary beneficiary of his estate, which includes more than ninety-eight percent of the band's publishing rights. Band members Krist Novoselic and Dave Grohl were left with part of the remainder. Now Love tells Rolling Stone that she has finally sold twenty-five percent of her share of Nirvana's sought-after publishing catalog -- to Larry Mestel of Primary Wave Music Publishing, former COO/GM of Virgin Records.

"I took on a strategic partner, Larry Mestel, to help me co-manage the estate because it was overwhelming," Love explains. "The affairs of Nirvana are so massive and so huge, and they've all fallen on my lap. I own almost all of [the publishing], . . . and it proved to be too much for me. I needed a partner to take Kurt Cobain's songs and bring them into the future and into the next generation. And this guy's the guy to do it."

Mestel says his three-month-old company, Primary Wave, is thrilled to have bought into an American musical legacy. "The appeal to me is that [Kurt was] one of the most important songwriters of his time," Mestel says. "Kurt was an incredible songwriter, and Courtney is an exceptionally talented person herself. So I felt the combination of Courtney's creativity and the things I can add can really help in creating more value for these copyrights."

Though Love and Mestel declined to comment on specifics, a source close to the deal tells Rolling Stone that Mestel has likely paid in excess of $50 million for the rights.

Exactly what the partnership will mean for the life of Nirvana's music -- including the Nineties hits "Come As You Are" and "All Apologies" -- is unclear. Thus far, the tracks have been notably absent from corporate ad campaigns and blockbuster action-movie soundtracks. The new partners are already eager to curb speculation that any of the generation-defining songs might end up in, say, a deodorant ad.

"We're going to remain very tasteful, and we're going to [retain] the spirit of Nirvana and take Nirvana places it's never been before," says Love. "My goal is to keep the music very true to who the songwriter was and what his passions and tastes would be," Mestel adds, "and to work through Courtney to figure out exactly the best way to go about exposing his music to a new youth culture to a new generation."

In other news, Love says she has entered into another partnership -- a musical one, with New York-based electronic artist Moby. According to Love, Moby has agreed to co-produce the follow-up to her 2004 effort, America's Sweetheart, which Linda Perry is also at work on. The two met up when Love was in New York last week, and ended up spending a night out with Coldplay, Arctic Monkeys and Michael Stipe.

"A long time ago, Moby was Christian, and I had this fantasy I was Mary Magdalene and he was Jesus. I've always had a little crush on him," says Love. "And I trust him. I'll talk all sort of shit, and he'll keep trying to focus me back on the music."

JOLIE LASH --- Source: Rolling Stone

Don't get me wrong...I dig Courtney Love. I empathize with her struggles and I like the two Hole albums I own. I respect that she didn't want to pimp Nirvana out to the advertisers, and I hope that the owner of the publishing continues to be true to who Nirvana was. I am one of those who believes that Kurt Cobain secretly wrote most of Live Through This with Hole. I have no evidence, of course, other than the difference in sound from Live Through This to Celebrity Skin. Pretty On the Inside sounds different from Live Though This, too. Nowhere NEAR as melodic. One thing Kurt Cobain had was a great grasp of melody in a song, even though the heavy guitar noise, he wrote songs like a craftsman. One of his bigger influences was the Beatles and it shows.

For her sake I hope her new album is REALLY great. I want it to be. I want her to be a comeback kid. While I belive Kurt helped her write Live Through This, I do NOT believe that she had anything to do with his death, despite what the conspiracy theorists say. She might be wacked, but she's not homicidal. She turns her agression on to herself.

Thursday, March 30, 2006

The Seventh Seal Has Been Opened

Paris Hilton recording with Three 6 Mafia
Memphis rappers say they met her at a party, are producing some tracks

The Associated Press
Updated: 5:42 p.m. ET March 29, 2006

MEMPHIS, Tenn. - Oscar-winning rappers Three 6 Mafia say they are producing and recording tracks with Paris Hilton.

“We ran into her at a William Morris Agency party and she said she liked our song ‘Stay Fly’ and asked could we work with her,” said Jordan “Juicy J” Houston, a member of the Memphis hip-hop group.

Houston said the group was in a Los Angeles recording studio Tuesday with the hotel heiress and reality TV star.

“We let her listen to a dance track and she really liked it and plans to record it tonight,” Houston told The Commercial Appeal newspaper by phone Tuesday.

He said that since the group won the Oscar for best original song for “It’s Hard out Here for a Pimp” from the film “Hustle & Flow,” they have been swamped with all sort of requests.

The trio will be back in Memphis to receive a key to the city Saturday, deemed Three 6 Mafia Day.

© 2006 The Associated Press. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.

Hmmm, let's see, we have the mumbling horsemen of the apocalypse now in cahoots WITH the Anti-Christ herself. Hunker down people, because a beast with 9 horns is going to pop out any second now.

Lyrics That Make Me CRINGE

The Offender:  Lifehouse

What day is it
And in what month
This clock never seemed so alive
I can't keep up and I can't back down
I've been losing so much time

Cause it's you and me and all of the people
With nothing to do, nothing to lose
And it's you and me and all of the people and
I don't know why I can't keep my eyes off of you

All of the things that I want to say
Just aren't coming out right
I'm tripping on words, you got my head spinning
I don't know where to go from here

Cause it's you and me and all of the people
With nothing to do, nothing to prove
And it's you and me and all of the people and
I don't know why I can't keep my eyes off you

Something about you now
I can't quite figure out
Everything she does is beautiful
Everything she does is right

Cause it's you and me and all of the people
With nothing to do, nothing to lose
And it's you and me and all of the people and
I don't know why I can't keep my eyes off of

You and me and all of the people
With nothing to do, nothing to prove and
It's you and me and all of the people and
I don't know why I can't keep my eyes off of you

What day is it
And in what month
This clock never seemed so alive

"Clock never seemed so alive"???? I suppose this is supposed to be poetic but it's pathetic. I hate this band.
I really hate this band. They are so insidiously bland. How does he go from YOU to SHE? Who is he talking to? This
was so totally phoned in, it's disgusting.

Stupid Lyrics Du Jour

The OFFENDER: James Blunt

"You're Beautiful"

My life is brilliant.

My life is brilliant.
My love is pure.
I saw an angel.
Of that I'm sure.
She smiled at me on the subway.
She was with another man.
But I won't lose no sleep on that,
'Cause I've got a plan.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw your face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.

Yeah, she caught my eye,
As we walked on by.
She could see from my face that I was,
Flying high,
And I don't think that I'll see her again,
But we shared a moment that will last till the end.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw your face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
There must be an angel with a smile on her face,
When she thought up that I should be with you.
But it's time to face the truth,
I will never be with you.

His life is brilliant -- so much so he has to repeat that. His love is so pure that he's HIGH on a subway drooling over a pretty stranger.

He says he has a plan...but he never tells us what it is. He also thinks some angel thought he should be with this girl who has another boyfriend...based upon the fact that she's beautiful. He doesn't even know if she watches NASCAR -- which would be a total dealbreaker!

Kellie Pickler: Playing Dumb...or Natural Dumbass?

She's nevah had SALL-mon befoah! Because we all know that North Carolina, a coastal state full of golf resorts, major metropolitan cities, Universities as well as the beautiful Smoky Mountains has absolutely NO SALMON in the state. Or do they?

David Della Terza over at "VoteForTheWorst.Com" has decided to make Kellie their new WORST contestant. Past Worsters include Jasmine Trias, Jonathan Stevens, and Scott Savol. Kevin Corvais was their VFTW posterboy until he was ousted two last week. Now it's ALL Kellie.

Kellie, Jessica Simpson called...she wants her faux ditzy blonde persona back. You're embarassing her.

Noel G from Oasis Slams the Stones

Gallagher: Stones are too old

Oasis guitarist Noel Gallagher reckons The Rolling Stones are too old to be taken seriously.

The Stones have complained about the poor critical reaction to their more recent albums, but in an interview with Maxim magazine, Gallagher claimed their best work is well behind them.

He said: "The Stones said that every time they put out an album they think it's their best and they can't understand why people don't take the new records as seriously as the old ones.

"Well, you're old age pensioners. By all means make records and go on tour, because if people want to see you, fine, but don't expect to be taken seriously. Your best work is behind you."

I couldn't agree more. I am a humongous fan of the Rolling Stones. I would love to see them in concert...if I had a Time Machine. I believe that the Stones were at their best from about 1969-1975. Their last good album was Some Girls (1978), and that was an inconsistent record. Yeah, yeah Emotional Rescue, Start Me Up...WHATEVER. Emotional Rescue is a great album if you start listening to it at track *7*. Brian Jones was the innovator, and Mick Taylor kicks Ron Wood's ass. I have nothing against Ron Wood, he's just boring. Their greatest albums are:

Sticky Fingers
Exile On Main St.
Let It Bleed
Beggar's Banquet
Black And Blue
Some Girls
December's Child (And Everybody's)

(It's Only Rock & Roll and Goat's Head Soup gets honorable mentions but I don't think these albums capture the real OOMPH of the Stones like the ones above).

I didn't really dig their "psychedelic" Their Satanic Majesty's Request and there's a ton of live and "greatest hits" packages that they shelled out during that time period.

The fact that they became one of the most financially successful bands in the history of rock is why I am cynical about them today. Mick Jagger is a brilliant businessman and takes great pleasure in investing and managing money for the band. I'm sure they all would have retired years ago if it wasn't for the fact that people will still pay $200 a ticket for the cheap seats to see them.

Their new songs are unremarkable. They're too old to rock and roll and too young to die. They're not like Steve Winwood who is a country gentleman now, putzing around his large English estate raising sheep and hanging out with the grandkids. They're still trying to nail teenage models. They're in deep denial.

Come on were SO WICKED COOL THIRTY-FIVE FUCKING YEARS AGO. Write a memoir, make documentaries. Produce other artists. Play poker. But MICK, please, stop prancing around shaking your ass-- you're older than my Dad.

Here they were in their hey-day -- how cool are Keith's pants??

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Here they are now -- the COOLEST AARP MEMBERS EVER:

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Shakira covers her curves
Hip-wiggling babe Shakira says she is shy and prefers to cover up her famous curves.

The stunning singer insists she hides her famous body with a sarong when she hits the beach.

But the Colombian beauty told Ellen DeGeneres she shows off her body on stage and TV because she 'has to pay the bills'.

Shakira, 28, is well-known for her sexy dance routines and says her hips tell her when her band has got a good tune for her.

'When musicians ask me how something should go I always tell them my hips do not lie.'

The Grammy Award-winning singer is currently promoting her new album 'Oral Fixation'.

Shakira was on American Idol last night with Wyclef Jean doing her song "Hips Don't Lie" which is basically about how HOT she is and what a funky dancer she is. She IS a funky dancer -- she was doing some serious bellydancing moves during her performance and it's like her ribcage can move independently from the rest of her torso. She's way more fun to look at than to listen to, though...her voice has an odd nasly honking warble to it. Sometimes it's a good voice, but other times it's just...odd.

I also think she could be Ani DiFranco's embarassing tool-of-the-patriarchy little sister.

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