Bowling With No Panties

Everybody's a critic. I am actually right.

Thursday, March 01, 2007

Let Me Go On Like A Burger In The Sun

When I'm-a hungry, I strut to Wendy's
and I'm so strung out

I'm high as I kite, I just might
check a frosty out...

Jesus Christ.

I'm now the target market.

Saturday, January 13, 2007

They FORGOT Jesus Christ Superstar!

For Christ's sake!!! The >Onion's AV Club compiled their list of favorite Movie Musicals.

They left out the Jeez!

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

The 10 Best Christmas Songs Ever

In no particular order:
1. Do You Hear What I Hear -- Whitney Houston
2. Winter Wonderland -- Tony Bennett
3. Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas -- Frank Sinatra
4. Home For The Holidays -- The Carpenters
5. Another Auld Lang Syne -- Dan Fogelberg
6. Santa Claus Is Coming To Town -- Bruce Springsteen
7. Baby It's Cold Outside -- Dean Martin (he sounds the most lecherous)
8. Must Have Been Santa Claus -- Harry Connick, JR.
9. All I Want For Christmas Is You -- Mariah Carey
10. Little Drummer Boy -- Bing Crosby/David Bowie.

Do They Know It's Christmas -- Band Aid (for purely sentimental reasons)
O Holy Night - Mariah Carey (that HIGH NOTE, my God)
Rockin' Around The Christmas Tree -- Peggy Lee.

Thursday, November 30, 2006

How Do You Hold A Moonbeam In Your Hand?

I am not an actress, although I will admit to being in a few community theater productions of musicals -- I love to sing, and that's my main motivation.

Growing up with the squarest parents in the Universe did have some benefits. I never had to tell my Mom to stay out of my stash. I also was exposed to a ton of music from genres other than "popular". I knew tons of doo-wop because of my father's insistence to playing 8-track compliations like "Fonzie's Favorites" in the car. My brother and I can still break into "Charlie Brown" or "Sillouettes on the Shade". We also listened to Simon & Garfunkel, the Beach Boys, Supertramp, Queen and of course, countless "original cast recordings" of various Broadway musicals.

I think my father liked Queen because of the theatrical quality of their music. My Dad is a church organist, choir director, and has even composed many hymns and arrangements for traditional hymns. He has also acted and sang in various community theater productions of musicals. It's weird watching your Lutheran School Principal father shake his belly and snap his fingers singing "If I Were A Rich Man"...but I'll give it to him, he was great.

I cherish my dear friend M. because she gets just as geeked out over musicals as I do and has been known to burst into song with me while watching one or merely walking down the street. She also turned me on to one of the soundtracks in this top 10, a show that would NOT have been played in my childhood home for any number of reasons. Mostly because the words "Fellatio" and "Cunnilingus" are in the lyrics of one of the songs.

Here are the top ten best musicals/soundtracks:

1. Jesus Christ Superstar (there are so many versions - my least favorite is the movie version because Jesus sounds kind of wussy here and there and I like a badass Jesus but the movie Judas ROCKS.)
2. Evita (Original Cast Recording with Patti LuPone)
3. Sound of Music (the movie version)
4. South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut
5. West Side Story (the movie version)
6. Les Miserables
7. Rocky Horror Picture Show (the movie version)
8. Oliver! (the movie version)
9. A Chorus Line (Original cast recording)
10. Fiddler On The Roof (Original cast recording).

HONORABLE MENTION: Godspell - I just wish there was a soundtrack that included the opening number "Tower of Babel" because that is so much fun to sing! I was Thomas Aquinas in our local production before morphing into the slutty "Turn Back O Man" broad. I also have a soft spot for Godspell since both my father AND my brother have played the part of Jesus.

I know I left a lot off, there could be at least 10 more that could tie with any of the above but what finally formed the top ten up there are the overall quality of all the songs and performances AND how good any song from the above sounds in the shower at top volume.

I dare you NOT to belt out "Die if you want to, you innocent puppet!"

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Operating With A Blown Mind

I have an ex-boyfriend. I have a few but he's the MAJOR 'Ex" -- I was with him for 6 or 7 years, neither one of us know because we broke up and got together about 7* times.

One thing that we had in common is an insane passion for music and the culture where it thrives. We were always trying to turn each other on to stuff in the genre where we were most passionate. Me? Rock/alternative. He? Hip hop. There was a small area where we agreed -- but there was a lot of new exposures for both of us. I can still remember the pain on his face when he walked into the house to me singing "Bat Out Of Hell" at the top of my lungs in full MeatLoafian operatic mode.

He had a philosophy when it came to actually purchasing a record. I've been walking around with this philosophy in my head so long I thought I came up with it, but no, it was him.

"Do not buy a record based upon the first single. You need to listen to at least 4 before making a purchase."

This holds true especially in Pop since "album oriented radio" is deader than Lenin. Once upon a time, artists and labels wanted their record to be the best examples of their body of work. That's why you can listen to "Rumors" by Fleetwood Mac and EVERY SINGLE SONG is good. This is also why certain current albums with promising singles end up being coasters or filler for the CD tower. Yes, I'm looking at YOU Scissor Sisters! (I'm sorry, but Ta-DAH isn't as catchy or as listenable as your eponymous debut, which I loved.)

The Ex is also why I had heard of Cee-Lo Green -- back when he was in the Goodie Mob we had their CD in the house. They were a dirty-south group, and he seemed the typical thug but he had a sense of humor. This is why I am so incredibly floored by his voice and his lyrics in Gnarls Barkley.

St. Elsewhere is the first "new" record I've purchased that has really knocked me out in so long I almost have hope for the music business again. Not quite, but almost. I've been hearing the single "Crazy" on the radio forever, but I refused to purchase the record based upon the first single.

Then I stumbled upon the video for "Who Cares?" on YouTube. It's brilliant. I loved the song, but even more the video is taken directly from one of the greatest of 70's Blaxploitation movies EVER -- yes, better than Dolomite!

BLACULA. As you might know from an earlier posting that I probably have more working knowledge of 70's blaxploitation cinema than the average suburban white girl (thanks yet again, to the Ex). I love how Gnarls Barkley gets it so RIGHT and yet sets it in 2006 -- beyond clever. And getting Mario Van Peebles? HOW FUNNY (his father was Sweetback!).

St. Elsewhere is like nothing I've heard but mixes a little bit of everything I've ever liked! There's introspective lyrics, there's funky beats, there's weird ambient noises, there's angelic background vocals, there's a sense of innocent play (despite a song about necrophilia) and I can't believe it's the same guy who rapped about eating fried chicken and collard greens.

I know I'm slow on the uptake and that they dropped the record back in May. I don't claim to be cutting edge or cool...I just claim to be right.

*Actually I won...because I broke up with him 4 times to his dumping me 3 times -- but why be petty?

Thursday, November 16, 2006

The Most Depressingly Realistic Song Ever About Love/Marriage

I was meandering around a large discount chain store that's taking over the Universe the other week and found myself browsing CDs...and I came across this gem:Casey Kasem Presents: America's Top Ten Hits: 1970s The Singer/Songwriters. Right up my alley.

It's got it all: Jim Croce, Lobo, "The Year of the Cat", "Summer Breeze", all the songs that were on the AM radio I'd listen to as a kid, the songs my COOL Uncle would play.

I think this falls under the "uncool total nostalgia" section in my CD collection but that's my FAVORITE section.

This song, by Carly Simon, is one of the highlights, I love it, but GOD is it depressing. They just don't write them like this anymore.

My father sits at night with no lights onHis cigarette glows in the dark.
The living room is still;
I walk by, no remark.

I tiptoe past the master bedroom where
My mother reads her magazines.
I hear her call sweet dreams,
But I forgot how to dream.

But you say it's time we moved in together
And raised a family of our own, you and me -
Well, that's the way I've always heard it should be:
You want to marry me, we'll marry.

My friends from college they're all married now;
They have their houses and their lawns.
They have their silent noons,
Tearful nights, angry dawns.
Their children hate them for the things they're not;
They hate themselves for what they are-
And yet they drink, they laugh,
Close the wound, hide the scar.

But you say it's time we moved in together
And raised a family of our own, you and me -
Well, that's the way I've always heard it should be
You want to marry me, we'll marry.

You say we can keep our love alive
Babe - all I know is what I see -
The couples cling and claw
And drown in love's debris.
You say we'll soar like two birds through the clouds,
But soon you'll cage me on your shelf -
I'll never learn to be just me first
By myself.

Well O.K., it's time we moved in together
And raised a family of our own, you and me -
Well, that's the way I've always heard it should be,
You want to marry me, we'll marry,
We'll marry.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

If I Were A Celebrity, This Would Be My Playlist

I'm something of a Luddite, I suppose. I blame my mother because she was frugal so we never bought the newest, latest thing because -- wisely -- she knew it would come down in price. This is why we were the last people I knew personally who owned a microwave or VCR.

I fully appreciate the handiness and portability of an i-pod. But I don't want one.

Without getting on a soapbox about the moral vs. philosophical ramifications of illegally downloading shared music, I will say that after a few lame attempts at the free downloading sites -- which would send a tsunami of spyware, spam, pop-ups, and other nasty cyber-toadies throughout my home computer, I decided to bite the bait and sign up the MTV version of i-Tunes, Of course, I did this without reading the fine print, so I missed the part about the songs being encrypted so I won't be able to BURN THEM ONTO CD which is the WHOLE POINT since I do not and will not own an mp3 player of any kind.

After I quicky got myself out of that jam (after spending about $10 on songs I will only be able to listen to on my PC, grrrr!) I sucked it up and just joined i-Tunes, years after everybody else has.

Boy, is it fun! I'm having a blast looking up old favorite songs and then deciding whether I want to spend $0.99 on them or not.

I have fun reading the playlists from Celebrities, too -- mostly because I think you can tell a lot about somebody by the music they listen to. Some of them made me roll my eyes, but a few stood out -- like that actor Josh Lucas -- he picked this great song by the Bogmen -- the Bogmen were one of those tragic bands that got signed right before the industry self-destructed and merged to death and they got lost in the shuffle with no budget for promotion. With the proper A&R, they WOULD have been huge, I know it. They were smart, funny, and brilliant musicians. So now I think I could have sex with Josh Lucas.

So, here's the first CD I burned from iTunes, my "playlist" as it were:

1. Tyrone -- Erykah Badu -- I always loved this song, great dumpage: "You better call Tyrone...hold up - but you can't use my phone." -- classic.

2. Love Hangover -- Diana Ross -- what's not to love? Killer bassline

3. Get Me -- Dinosaur Jr. - "Where You Been?" was one of those albums that I played relentlessly when I bought it and hence it reminds me forever of the summer of 1993, my first summer in New York City. J Mascis is a brilliant guitar player and I love his odd creaky voice.

4. Don't Let Go (Love) - En Vogue -- What happened to En Vogue? They were pop but could actually SING. Since much of my romantic life has ben fraught with uncertainty, pain, or general weirdness, this song appealed to me from the moment I heard it...and of course, Mekhi Phifer as the eye candy in this video didn't hurt either. He is hot.

5. White Lines -- Grandmaster Flash --this song reminds me of high school dances and my friend Troy M. I know this whole song by heart. "Twice as sweet as sugar, twice as bitter as salt, and if you get hooked, baby, it ain't nobody else's fault, SO DON'T DO IT!" If only I heeded your words, Grandmaster Flash...oh, the things I could have done differently.

6. Center Stage -- Indigo Girls -- This song is off their eponymous first major label release, and it's one of my favorites...the vocals are phenomenal.
They're just so damn good.

7. I Wanna Take You Higher -- Sly and the Family Stone -- this song just rocks.

8. Possum Kingdom -- The Toadies -- Is this song so sexy because it's creepy or am I creepy for thinking this song is so goddamned sexy?? It was one of those late 90's high rotation alternative rock hits and I love this guys' voice and when he gets to that part, "Do you wanna die?" I almost want to yell YES!!! YES!!!

9. Heart Shaped Box -- Evanescence -- I dig cool covers, they do a great job on this one, it's acoustic.

10. Groove Is In The Heart - Dee-Lite -- A song I will never get sick of.

11. Pressure Drop -- Toots and the Maytals --The Specials and the Clash covered this song, but my favorite cover was by these three dudes, two of them, Chris Campion and Mike Tate used to play every Monday night at the Red Lion on Bleecker Street -- mostly covers, a few originals, both were in different bands. Every now and then Chris' brother Billy would blow in and jump on stage and the three of them would do this song. They rocked. This song reminds me of that era in my life when I knew what I was going to be doing every single Monday night.

12. Heaven On Their Minds -- Tenacious D -- What's better than my favorite musical sung by one of my favorite all time acoustic duos?? IF THEY DID THE WHOLE SHOW.

13. Three Strange Days -- School of Fish -- Another early 90's song I will never be sick of...even though I don't know any other songs this band has ever done.

14. Killing In The Name Of - Rage Against The Machine -- I will love this song when I am in the old folks' home and I will crank it and sing along at the top of my crochety lungs..."FUCK YOU I WON'T DO WHAT YOU TELL ME!!MOTHERFUCKER!" This song is fun to play at my desk at work. Quietly.

15. Blue Monday -- New Order -- Classic

16. Sunny Afternoon -- the Kinks -- One of my favorite Kinks songs from a huge pool of great, great song, I selected a live version from a concert tour in England 2002. Ray Davies' voice sounds exactly the same as it did when he was younger.

17. Golddigger -- Kanye West/Jamie Foxx -- "You see him on the TV, Any given Sunday, Win the Superbowl but drives off in Hyundai"...BRILLIANT lyrics and great delivery.

18. Ruby, Don't Take Your Love to Town -- Kenny Rogers -- A nod to my mom, but also a good song -- very dark in a way. Poor Kenny -- he's a paralyzed Vietnam Vet whose wife goes out to find what he can't do for her, even though he needs some company....he knows what she's getting all painted up for..."And if could move I'd get my gun and put her in the ground...Ruby, for God's sake turn around."

19. Feel Good, Inc -- Gorillaz -- one of the more recent songs that I really like...mostly for that "Windmill, windmill" part. I love Damon's voice.

20. Sadness -- Enigma -- This is why i-Tunes is so great. I always liked this song but I wouldn't want a whole album of it.

That's also why i-Tunes is dangerous. The music industry has to evolve or it will die an ignoble death. Things changed the second all the independent distributors went bust in the mid-90's. Then three majors merged. Everyone chased the big sellers and "Artist Development" became a thing of the past. Once upon a time, the first album wasn't expected to go Platinum. It was there to get the band/singer's feet wet, to introduce them. They weren't expected to get BIG until the second or third album, the goal was to establish longevity. That isn't what seems to matter now.

So while I am having a good time at the ol' i-Tunes store, I am also supporting the artists I care about by physically purchasing a CD. Tegan & Sara, for example. So Jealous is a BRILLIANT album. BUY IT.